Mallory's daily dedication to blogging helped me push myself to write more...

I'm sitting here, wrapped up in the comfiest clothes I own, including the new soft, cotton pink robe that my Aunt Sandy gave me for Christmas. I am waiting around for 30 minutes while these tiny strips across my teeth work their magic. Common I want a twinkling smile. That's the least I can ask for. If I can't look like a model at least I can have a damn bright smile, right? So at this moment I am feeling sort of... well downcast. I don't know why but I'm just kinda sad. I feel like the end of a sigh. That silence and stillness that isn't exactly peaceful, it's just there. Like the air is hanging suspended and I haven't quite taken a deep, life-giving, enlivening breath of it.

Today I went to work at Wells Fargo Advisors for the first time since summer. Ugh I"m not gonna lie, it was a drag but I'm thankful that I have a job that I can come home to so that I can make some money and catch up after the holidays. I was surprised at how much I remember about how to do things at work and how much I remember about all my mom's clients and their accounts, etc. The day actually went by sort of quickly too. It definitely could've been worse and I'm sure tomorrow will be the same.

New Years. I'm excited about the new year. I feel like I will be experiencing a transformation in it. Or... well I hope that I do. I'm looking to make some big changes in my life and I'm going to work my way back to the straight and narrow path that God had paved for my life. I'm tired of wandering in the dark forest that is full of twisted, mangled vines and crippled trees. I don't want to swat things out of my way constantly and have to slash through thick, dead branches to carve my own ridiculous path. It doesn't make any sense to do so anymore. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

As for New Years plans... I have none at this moment. It's so weird because I feel like it's not just me who doesn't really have plans... it's like, everyone! I guess no one really cares about 2010. What a shame. I just hope I can find a fun way to celebrate with friends.

I saw Avatar in IMAX 3D for the second time tonight but this time I saw it with my family. We ran into our close family friends there and got to sit with them. It was a lot of fun and it was just as spectacular the second time around. I learned that it took 6 years to make, which is completely understandable if you think about how much detail was put into that film. It is truly incredible if you realize that almost everything you are watching isn't real and has been created using a computer. It also took 400 billion dollars to make. Outrageous... but if you think about how many people worked on the film and how long it took them to finish, it begins to look less like the exorbitant amount that it is.

Well I'm off to go read more of Dead Until Dark. Gotta love True Blood, baby <3

I watched a movie that really challenged my thinking and way of living....

Last night I watched a movie that a friend recommended to me. It's called Faith Like Potatoes. It was such a powerful and inspiring movie about a farmer living in Africa whose life was completely falling apart, his marriage was suffering, his crops were dying, and he began to completely lose hope. When he was at his lowest he went to church with his family and decided to take a leap of faith and leave all his troubles at the foot of God and give control to Him. His new faith in God was the only thing he could hold onto to help him pull through. As soon as this happened everything seemed to fall more into place. Of course he still experienced huge obstacles but with the Lord by his side he pushed through. He began to preach about his faith to everyone he encountered. This film really pressed on my heart because this man was able to completely surrender everything so that he could receive all the gifts and blessings that God had set out for him. He didn't live and breathe a lukewarm, wishy-washy faith. I already have accepted Christ as my Savior yet I still am stuck in this in between area. I'm so tired of being pulled in both directions. Since when did I let the atmosphere that I live in control and direct the way that I live? Since when do I not stand up and be different? When did I put a basket over the light that God has lit in my heart? How can I be embarrassed of my faith, worried that people won't want to hang out with me? I've let myself get swept into this world of partying that has gone beyond the acceptable limit. I need to recenter myself. I hate this feeling. I don't like to look one direction and want to run towards it and forget the other one but then look back and see how appealing it looks. Anyway... Just had to get that off my chest.

I had no motivation to do anything do anything except lay around in my pj's and eat...

Lucky Charms to be exact. That has been my food of choice lately. My mother picked up a box of it this week because it is Jason's favorite cereal. Oh and Jason is my cousin/brother. Definitely more of a brother than a cousin.

Yesterday was so much fun. I went with my mom, Craig, Jason, Aunt Janet and my Uncle Phil to downtown LA around 2:30. Well first we went to Universal Studios and took the metro from there to LA. Then we walked around downtown for a bit, which was eerily empty. Like literally... there were no people in LA yesterday. I guess they were all sleeping off their wild Christmas days. After walking for a bit and checking things out we decided to stop at Casey's Irish Pub where we had a snack of delicious french fries and drinks. My mom and and my Uncle Phil ordered their famous Irish Coffee and dang was it strong and super delicious. Then we went on to look inside the Millennium Biltmore, a gooorgeous hotel in downtown LA. They were setting up for this giant wedding, it was so beautiful. Our third destination was the Westin Bonaventure, another spectacular hotel which has an awesome revolving lounge on the 35th floor. We rode the elevators up and down to look out over the skyline. It was actually kinda fun too because the elevators moves so fast, it's almost like a ride. After this we continued walking around the city till we were across the street from the Center Theater Group which houses the Ahmanson Theater, the Mark Taper Forum, and the Kirk Douglas Theater. We decided to look for a place to have dinner and ended up just grabbing some sub sandwiches at Subway. I got to spend some quality time talking about life with my cousin Jason. He's so great and I'm sad that I don't get to see him as much anymore. After dinner we walked over to the theater and still had an hour and a half before the show was going to start so we grabbed tea and coffee and dessert at the cafe outside, which was lovely. Thennnnn MARY POPPINS! Seriously probably the most incredible show/musical I've ever seen. It was magical and the stars were so talented. Even the children had strong voices, acting ability and even dancing ability. Dear Matthew Bourne, never stop choreographing! I just can't even put into words how great this show was. My jaw was dropped for over half of it.

Well I'm looking at the clock and it is 12:45. I better start doing something with this day or it will slip through my fingers as usual. Sorry about the long post!

That I HATED cleaning up the kitchen with a fiery passion...

Seriously though. My mom, bless her heart, makes delicious food for large quantities of people and then for some reason I always am asked to pick up my high school cleaning responsibility of cleaning up the kitchen. This task is legitimately my least favorite thing to do EVER. I hate it. And I'm also not good at it. The old food that I have to wash off the plate grosses me out so much that I have to hold whatever I'm rinsing off by it's edge and then make sure that the very hot water washes everything off it for me. Also I have to do it with hot water because cold water + old crusty food = vomit. It gives me the heebie jeebies. So now I am currently watching my lovely sister Shauna and my mother cleaning while I sit here like a wasteful lump of life. I should really go help. Ok ok I will in a minute but right now I am so enjoying life. I am listening to the beautiful voices of Azure Ray on my new 160GB iPod classic that my parents got me for Christmas. I am so blessed. I have such a wonderful family and I'm so lucky to get any gifts at all for Christmas. You know what? I'm lucky to even have shelter to come home to for the Holidays. God has blessed me with so much and yet I catch myself so often complaining or griping about silly little things in life, like dirty dishes. Ugh I should kick myself haha. BRB I'm gonna go get a pick of paper, write KICK ME on it and then stick it on my back. Haha. Anyway I hope you all have the most wonderful Christmas ever. Cherish your families! Count your blessings and make sure you catch yourself if you start to become a Grinch or a Ebeneezer like me ;) I'm so happy right now and I'm going to go joyfully wash dishes with my amazing family. Remember that Jesus is the reason for the season!

<3

It was Christmas and I wished everyone the merriest day ever...

If I was at my younger, imaginative age of 5, my current awake state would be utterly unacceptable! Santa could be coming down the chimney at any moment! Oh to be child-like, naive, and innocent again. I remember baking cookies for Santa, acting out the Christmas story with my childhood best friend Paula, baking a cake for Jesus's birthday. I miss these things so much now that I'm older. But we did keep up our annual tradition this year by going to Candlelight service. It was beautiful as always. My favorite part is at the end when we sing Silent Light and everyone begins to light their candles one by one until the whole room is lit by only those tiny flickers.

Today has been SO great. Woke up and ate a delicious bowl of Lucky Charms, which was quite a delight since for the past week I've been consuming wholesome bowls of Raisin Bran. Blah. Then I got dressed, wrapped presents, helped set up for our delicious lunch/dinner-ish meal of ribs, corn on the cob and mashed potatoes. Oh man it was so tasty and SO filling. Then we hung out for a while as a family and chilled on the couch watching a movie before the SMU Hawaii Bowl game. And then... of course the greatest SMU game in history!! Or at least in my mind :) Our 1st Bowl game in 25 years! We kicked SO much ass today. I'm so ridiculously proud to call myself a Mustang and to sing our alma mater. I couldn't have been more excited and beaming while watching the game today. Especially since I have friends who are cheerleaders and players on the team and I also got to see a few of my friends in the crowds. I loved every moment of it. Then after that we went to Candlelight service at Bel Air which I mentioned earlier.

I'm so excited for the morning and just thought I had to blog about what has happened today. Also I must mention that I absolutely adore my roommates. I don't know if they are reading but seriously they are the best. They are my best friends who I tell everything to and they guaranteed can make me laugh at any moment of the day. I'm so lucky to have them. I've never ever had a group of girls and friends that I've been this tight with and it feels so nice to have them to come home to everyday at SMU. They are my sisters, they are my friends, they are my life! QUAD LOVE FOREVER ;) Haha. Haters can suck it.

Good night everyone! Merry Christmas. Don't forget about the true meaning of Christmas: Christ is born and He came to the earth to save us from our sins. Luke 2: 1-20Remember that it's so much more rewarding to give than to receive. And lastly cherish the time you get to spend with your family. It's precious.

<3

I was so lazy that I stayed in my pj's till 4pm

I feel a pang of guilt in recognizing this truth. However, not enough for me to actually get my ass off the couch. I'm sitting here watching episode after episode of America's Next Top Model. There are so many productive things that I could be doing with my life. Unpacking... wrapping presents... helping my mom out... doing SOMETHING. But here I am. Sitting around in my tie-dye shirt, Stewie pants, and gray jacket. All I have to say is that I would give ANYTHING to be a model. To be tall enough, skinny enough, beautiful enough. Oh gosh it's my secret dream. I would love to have makeup artists and hairstyles and fashion people make me look amazing. Lights, camera, action. Spectacular.

Last night was so fun. I went with my mom and Aunt Janet to our family friend's house. Then after that I went to a friend's welcome home party. He came back from studying abroad in London and had lots fun stories to tell. Alright well I'm gonna go help my mama make her famous homemade lasagna. YUM!

I didn't want to write a long post....

I sit here. 2:39am. I take a deep breath of stale air. I glance around the room. And I think. But not nearly like I used to. I wish that I could be in a place of constant reflection, observation, and focus. Where my thoughts have purpose and conviction. But I sit here... inhale... exhale... stagnant... passionless... opinionless... stuck. Maybe that's not true but it's kind of how it feels.

Seek truth, Michelle. Strive to attain all things that are good. Pray, believe, dream, and most importantly achieve. Don't let laziness or complacency stifle you. Take steps, move forward. Don't sit and play in the dirt when you can go out and grow an orchard with it. Have faith in yourself and in God. He has a plan for you so run towards it.

I was really enjoying being at home and LOVING the Christmas spirit...

Christmas. I love everything about it. The lights, the music, the decorations, the spirit, the flavors, the traditions, family, candles, the warmth. It's beautiful. Tonight I went with my family and some friends to Candy Cane Lane which is conveniently located around the corner from my house. Despite the reduction in houses that were decorated due to the economy, it was still so nice and so much fun to see. It's traditions like these, those unwritten ones, that I love so much.

Today I did my Christmas shopping, err well most of it. I still have a few places to go tomorrow but it feels good to get most of it out of the way. Yesterday I felt guilty about relaxing because I felt like I was supposed to be shopping. I then attempted and failed, miserably but went back today and was far more successful. It was strange because my reluctance to do my Christmas shopping felt reminiscent of me putting off writing a paper or another assignment of the same sort. I felt like there was homework for me to do, but, instead, I was just sitting around watching movies and being lazy. But now I feel accomplished. However, I still have to wrap everything but that's another story...

I'm going to see Avatar tonight in IMAX 3D. WOOOO! It's gonna be sick. Oh and another random update... today was the day of Michelle eating and drinking the things she loves that aren't available for consumption in the great state of Texas... aka Coffee Bean and In-N-Out. So glorious. Oh so my mom's friend came over and after my mother, being her typical self, showed off all my drawings from this semester, told us that she wanted a copy of my grocery store final drawing (aka Aunt Jemima and Bisquick). This makes me feel like the semester was a success :)

Alright well I'm going to go chill out of the couch for a while till I get picked up to go see the movie. Toodles!

I kept putting off blogging and then began to become overwhelmed by all the things I haven't blogged about...

Ok so it has been WAY too long since I last updated and I want to discuss many things but I don't want to make this post a novel. I don't want my readers, if there are any out there, to feel like my blog is homework. Plus it's Winter Break. Where you celebrate not having to think about anything scholarly or academic. So at this moment I am watching House on our new amazing 42 inch flat screen Samsung HDTV. It's incredible. So life-like that it looks almost weird. Anyway, I'm kind abored right now. I have nothing to do and I don't have a car to ride around in, unfortunately. Alright so let's go over the last week of school, finals, parties, etc. Well everyone decided that they were going to turn 21 on the same weekend which happened to be the weekend before finals. I had my performance, which I forgot to blog about. Basically I got extremely nervous and well I got through it without the audience knowing the I completely jumbled and mixed up all the lines and aside from my inability to handle my props or timing and some lighting problems it was fairly successful. Everyone said it was very powerful and moving and apparently I made the whole room tear up. The next day I got my take home final for Business Law and me and my group finished it that night so that after that I had an entire week before my next final which meant what..... Oh yeah, party time and complete procrastination. So this is on to the weekend of 21st birthdays. It was just a wild time full of dance offs and Bad Girls Club and Truth or Dare and so much more. Details not required hahaha. But then I had a rough week of finals. So many hours of art haha. But I pulled through and ended up getting much better grades than I thought I was going to get. But there was a ridiculous situation with my Solo Performance grade. I don't even want to get into it. Ugh. So now I'm home and am just completely relaxing and kicking it with friends. I'm so excited to not have to think about school whatsoever for 5 weeks. So great. Alright well I'm going to get back to watching TV. Devil Wears Prada is on. :)

I was trying to memorize my performance and it made me feel ill...

I'm considering possibly changing the name of the blog to "Wow, all I think about or talk about is Solo Performance."

However, that would be silly since I'm performing it on Monday and therefore will not longer have to rant, complain, worry about it in such a short wile. I just have to crank up my memorization skills now and really put my heart and soul in the stories that I tell and the scenes I act out. I'm sure that as soon as I get in front of the audience I will come to life. While trying to practice, it's impossible for me to really act it out especially when there are 2 or 3 people around. I'm excited to do this though. I've put so much work into it. So much that I'm worried that maybe I've spent too much time prepared and not enough time practicing. Oh well... I'll just say a prayer, take a deep breath, relax and do my thing.

So I just got back from the Angelika theater where I saw An Education with 1/2 of the quad and Staci. It was a great movie. Some very questionable scenes and strange portions of the plot but I would definitely recommend it.

Alright well I can't spend any more time sitting here on the couch. I must make my way over to Meadows to rehearse with Nick Cains who is a complete angel. He is my "buddy" in the class (All of us non-theater majors got to paired with theater majors to help us prepare for our performances, thank the good Lord). He's an angel.

Goodnight everyone! I'm so excited about tomorrow. I have so many things to look forward to.

I woke up, opened the door and the magic of snow flakes gently falling made me ecstatic....

Let it snowww, let it snoww, let it snooooowwww! How could the day start out better? Oh yeah, that's right, it couldn't. I opened the door, my jaw dropped, and a huge smile lit up my face. It was like a magical winter wonderland. Sitting with my besties in front of one of the big windows in the dining room enjoying our front row seats of the spectacle and munching on cereal was the perfect way to begin my day.

At this moment I am in Managerial Accounting clearly paying close attention to what is being taught in this riveting lecture. I really should be paying attention though. About 10 minutes ago I had to get up, leave class, go downstairs and get myself a delicious LARGE cup of Einstein's Hazelnut/Vanilla coffee because I was literally incapable of keeping my eyes open. The weight of my eyelids was more than I could bear. Now I am feeling much more alert. Dear God, thank you so much for coffee. Alright now I'm on to my next class. Toodle-loo!!

I had a hard time keeping emotions held back with regards to this performance...

I've been doing a pretty good job at not letting this excavation into my past upset me or make me cry but sometimes my efforts to hold my guards up fail. After reading letter after letter that I would write to my dad after he was gone I'm left just so... sad. And obviously I cannot share this sadness with anyone but a) it makes people feel weird and b) they probably, no offense to anyone, wouldn't say anything helpful. Therefore I'm going to express it in here where people don't have to react or if they do they don't have to share that reaction with me. It's just hard when I'm having to recreate the way I felt at that time and I was so hurt. I was torn apart. And for me to be able to take the audience on my personal journey through surviving his death that means I have to get back into the vibe of that time in my life but anyway... My sob story of the hour is over. Let's talk some about Thanksgiving break and the fun things I've been doing and will be doing this week.

So over break I got to see so many friends and it was so great. I got to catch up with all of them and hear what is going on in their lives. It's so cool that even though we've all gone in different directions we can still gather together and share our stories. It was also a great week spent with family. Even though we bicker, they are my rock and the people I can always trust no matter what.

Last night was super fun. Mopeds, music sharing, talking about life, IHOP, and lack of sleep with my good friend Evan. Hi Evan! I'm giving you your shout out haha :) Let's see what do I have to look forward to this week... Beta and His Holiday party Weds maybe, Sig Ep formal on Thursday, possible appearance at Skiesta? Probably not. Symphony Friday. Then Celebration of Lights on Sunday!! :D I think I might plan a sisterhood event for afterwards, an Alpha Chi Holiday party. That would be amazing :) I gotta get on that! In fact... I have a lot of things that I must focus on right now so I better stop blogging <3 Bye kids

I realized how low my self-esteem has gotten....

I was talking with my mom tonight about the perfect men that I know that are completely out of my league. She said to me... "where did this low self-esteem come from?" and it really made me start to think. I mean I know that I have always suffered from it but ever since I've been at SMU it's grown exponentially, especially this year. Every single day all I can do is look around and think how I am not pretty enough, fashionable enough, trendy enough, sociable enough, skinny enough, or anything. I think about how my sorority is not even close to "top tier" and how I work my ass off trying to convince other people including freshmen girls and fraternity boys that Alpha Chi is cool and worthy of their time. It drives me crazy. I'm so tired of having to prove myself all the time. I'm sick of boys not giving me the time of day just because of some dumb organization that I'm a part of. This school has convinced me that I'm a piece of dirt and I'm so done with it.

I was living the dream in LA basking in the perfect 74º weather....

I can barely keep my eyes open right now. I don't know why I've been so tired lately but my first night back home, Friday night, I went to bed at 10:45 and woke up at 10. Yet that wasn't enough because then yesterday I ended up taking a nap on the couch at Aly's grandma's house. I did stay out a little late last night though. It was sooo much fun though. Aly and I went to Luke's house for Frosty's birthday party and I got to see a ton of my friends all at once. It was so great; the perfect way to kick off a week back at home sweet home. I wish that I could just kick back and be lazy for a week, but of course I have projects and my performance to work on. But right now, I'm going to nap. Lids heavy. Falling. Falling. Falling. Shut......

I finally felt a moment of relief and relaxation....

Today I had a meeting with my Solo Performance professor because after a week of writer's block and my sheer inability to concentrate and focus on one task for more than 5 minutes at a time, I was feeling extremely discouraged and worried. This feeling was even more amplified after I watched five of my friends do their performance previews today, all of which said were still in a "rough" stage. HOWEVER, contrary to their claims, each of their performances were so great. Sheer terror. I have nothing solid!! I only have ideas and thoughts and pieces and clips but nothing that anyone could ever call a performance piece. What I have now lacks eloquence of wording, clear comic relief or an accurate depiction of the stories that I want to tell. There is so much work that needs to be done. But after class I met with Rhonda and she helped sweep away some of my intense worries. She reassured me that it was alright to not have everything together and that I could just perform a few key scenes at preview and bring along whatever photos/video I can get, and read a few of the posts that I wrote in my livejournal after it happened, etc. So basically, it doesn't have to be really put together. I can just explain where I'm going with the piece. A huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Now I'm going to go on and live out the rest of this day with peace in my mind and confidence in my ability to get this done, and everything in general that I need to get done. With God on my side who can stand against me?

someone enouraged me to start up my blog again for real...

Alright so a new friend of mine motivated me to blow the dust off this blog and start fresh again. This doesn't necessarily have to be solely about pleasing the reader. It can just be for me. A place where I can open up and be honest with myself. So honestly... I need to spill what has been on my mind lately. I'm at a point in my life where I am finally taking a step back and observing where I'm at in all aspects of my life. By doing this, a sort of foggy layer has been lifted and I am able to see how far off the path I have wandered. If the person I was two years ago was looking at me as I am now, I'm sure the present-me would be utterly unrecognizable. How is it that I have so completely lost myself? I feel like I have literally uprooted myself and then proceeded to toss myself into the wind to let the world and those around me whisk me in any direction that they want. I'm trying to figure out how to start putting the pieces back together because I can't go on living this way. Another thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately is grades. I don't know what to do about them right now but they are the worst that they have ever been. I don't know how I let that happen but I currently have an estimate of two C+'s. I'm so disappointed in myself because I know I'm smart enough to get all A's but instead of reading before class, paying attention and taking good notes I decide to be lazy, go to class but do other work or go on facebook and have very incomplete notes. I just don't understand why I am so lazy all the time. It takes such minor tweaks to my study habits for some drastically improved results. JUST DO IT Michelle. There is so much to talk about... Let's just pick out the important things. This afternoon and evening I spent a good amount of time thinking and brainstorming ideas for my solo performance that is quickly becoming a huge priority and something that I can no longer keep putting off. I have to perform a rough version of it next Thursday! This is completely terrifying to me. As of now I only have a rough structure of how I want the flow of the piece to be set up and a few scattered ideas, but nothing even close to a script. I spent a lot of hours tonight reading through my old xanga and livejournal posts and found some great material that I think I can use to reference how I was feeling right after my father passed away. These past couple of days and this next week are going to be hard for me. I call it excavating the past because it really is digging up memories, both happy and sad, and reconstructing them. Those thoughts and moments that have been comfortably living in the way back of my psyche are being brought forward to the front of the line and it's tough at times to have them sit there. This is stuff that doesn't go through my mind often. These are wounds that are mostly healed that scars that I'm now having to pick at. This has to be done though. I hope it turns out the way I plan it to. Well that's all for tonights ramblings. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

I continued to have a really hard time getting something down on paper for my performance...

Ok so I think I want to start the performance with a couple childhood stories that involve my father. I want to be able to build that trust, that comfort, that security that I felt in the arms of my daddy. I was on the phone with my mom and she said "You were a daddy's girl" and that there was no doubt about it.

I think that it is too difficult for me to just sit here and write because I want to re-enact these stories. Not just tell them in story form. Actually... I think I want to mix in both story telling and story re-enacting.

Ugh these past 3 post have been pointless. I have gotten nothing out of them that I want. I wish I had all my materials with me: photos, video, notes, audio. It would great... but I don't.

Alright I have to go do Program Council stuff and then go to class. I'll try and write later.

I didn't know what to say for my solo performance....

Alright so I've been putting this off for a while. But I don't know why because it only requires me to sit down and write about my topic. Just write and not censor myself. What is so hard about that? It shouldn't be frightening to spill these thoughts out into a text box. I just can't believe that I have to perform this in front of the class in 9 days. That is completely and utterly terrifying. I have nothing solid at the moment. Alright so basically this post is going to start out really rough. Let's start by stating what I'm going to be talking about. Here it goes. I want to shape my performance around my father and his suicide and how it affected me. I want to share about my fondest childhood memories with him and my darkest times. It's an experience that I think really defined me. It caused me to grow up really fast and realize what is important in life. Alright I gotta do this later...

I decided to justify writing in my blog as a homework activity...

Alright so I haven't written in here in ages mostly because of how weird I was feeling about the whole idea of having a blog but also because these have been some of the busiest, most stress-filled weeks of my life. And this upcoming week is going to be ridiculous, I repeat, ridiculous. Yes, it's what you think.... HOMECOMING WEEK. And of course being the pile my plate way too high kind of girl that I am, I decided that I would be the homecoming captain for Program Council and do all the planning, sketching up ideas, delegating, purchasing of materials because of course I have so much spare time on my hands... or not at all.

Alright so I'm really bad about leaving in the middle of a post. I was writing this post last night and then gave up and decided to facebook. I feel like it's such a task for me to just sit down and do something. Just DO IT. Get things done. I have such an issue with that. But that's another topic for another time. In a later post I'll tell you about a rant I had about life and the dissatisfaction that it brings, inspired by a post by Bekka Gunther.

Oh my goodness. I just started doing it again. Here I am right now sitting in Business Law class, not paying attention, yet again. I don't understand why it is that I cannot be prepared for class and then pay attention in class. I make myself so mad when I don't apply myself and when I'm this lazy with my school work. But ugh I should just close my laptop and listen. I'll do my blog homework later. Be prepared for some blunt, uncomfortable writing if anyone is reading.

<3

I couldn't title a post because too many ideas were swirling around in my head...

I know that I said I wasn't going to write in here anymore, however I feel like I have no choice. I have things on my mind that are heavy. Things that would probably make other people uncomfortable if I walked up to them and started talking about them. And since I know that most people don't read this, it feels like a safe place to open up. So we'll start with some good updates first. I had a really great, eventful weekend. Friday we had an awesome sisterhood event at Neiman Marcus. It was a Dior makeup party. I bought some sweet blue mascara, which I am currently sporting. Then after the sisterhood event, I spent a ton of money getting waxed but oh boy it was so worth it. Smooth legs for at least 3 weeks possibly a month. Fantastic. Then after that I got to dance the night away with my sisters, Gretchen, Ashley, Kassi, Erica & Bridgette at the Pitbull concert at the House of Blues. It was super fun, minus the hours we waited to watch him perform. Then Saturday was fun. Just a relaxing day. Hung out with people, tutored and then got ready and went to the game with my sisters. It was such an awesome game to watch and we WON which is incredible. Then we all went to Snuffers afterward and ate all kinds of delicious food that shouldn't have been eaten that late at night but hey, it's vacation right? Then Sunday morning I got up bright and early to finish packing for my trip to Joe's house in Lawton, Oklahoma with Ronnie, Tyler, and Scott. It was a blast. His family was so nice and his mom was the BEST cook. Oh man.. soo good. We went on all kinds of adventures, a couple trips to the casino where I watched all the boys gamble and I played the part of lady luck. They won soo much money it was ridiculous! I then decided to come back a day early so that I could get stuff done today because I'm going to have a very busy week with Dad's weekend and all. Speaking of that we can start transitioning into the point of this whole post, which quite frankly isn't to update the world on the events and activities that took place during my weekend. Basically I'm just going to dive right into it. While sitting in the backseat of the car, late at night with rain drops streaking across the side windows of Ronnie's Mustang, I began thinking about this week and what it means and the juxtaposition of certain events and certain days, mainly tomorrow, the 14th and this weekend which happens to be Dad's weekend. Tomorrow marks 6 years of my life that I have lived without my father. Six of, in my opinion, the most defining years of a girls life. I was only 14 when he took his life. He missed out on getting to know who I am. As a 14-year-old girl, I didn't know anything. I was completely naive and only cared about me, me, me. I didn't want to bother getting to know the two people who had raised me to be who I am. It just makes me so, so sad to think about how much he has missed. That six years have been able to go by. Then I sit here and seesaw between the feelings of deep sadness and red-hot bitter anger. "Why did he leave?" "I miss his laugh" "He never got to know me and didn't care to" "I wish I could fly him to SMU for Dad's weekend" It's just a lot of mixed up emotions and as soon as I start getting sad I remember that he left and it was his choice and I get angry. I almost say to myself, "Well thanks for nothing, asshole. Thank goodness I have Craig to pick up where you left. Where you failed." And I really really am thankful and immensely blessed to have Craig in my life. He has been an amazing father to me and I have so much fun with him. We've had several times where we have just been able to sit together and talk about life and bond. He has been a really special and important part of my life. So tomorrow I am conflicted as to the way I should respond, what I should do, how I should feel. Anyway, I really have to start working on this research paper. I'm definitely behind.

I started writing a post and then accidentally pushed the X and lost it all...

Wow so obnoxious... Well in the post I was just writing, I was commenting about discouraged I am at the fact that I have no readers. I think this might be my last post on here because quite frankly I don't feel like trying to think of something interesting and clever to say if I have absolutely no audience. I might as well go back to my livejournal and start posting privately again. It actually makes me kind of sad. I thought maybe some people would take an interest in what I had to say but I guess it's kind of the same way in real life and really no one wants to hear about your opinions or your day because it really has nothing to do with them. So... on that note, I guess I'll be taking a long leave of absence until I regain confidence.

Goodbye.

I started writing a post the night before and then woke up and finished it...

I find myself sitting here in the Boy's Room drinking a delicious cup of Winter Dream tea that my dear friend Sean, who works at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf back home, sent to me last Spring. It has lasted me this long because I save it for good days. Today has been one of those. I can't really complain about anything. Art wasn't too frustrating and I had no hard tests or boring lectures today. It was great. Oh and tutoring was so much less painful today. They were just getting it. It was such a treat. Oh and then after tutoring Banta and I went to Sig Ep's SMU Gladiators night and it was a blast! We got to run around like little kids playing a bunch of games in inflatable bouncing contraptions. We got some free t-shirts out of it, it was also a good workout, and I got to hang out with all my favorite Sig Ep's. Killed like 3 different birds with that one stone. Oh and I just have to say that I am in LOVE with Asher Book's beautiful voice. Oh goodness it melts my heart.

Well I guess I just didn't finish out my thoughts last night. Ok so I'm slightly concerned because my throat is starting to hurt and this just cannot happen. So I woke up and took my One-a-day Women's vitamin and then drank some Emergen-C and I'm hoping that will boost my immunity enough so that I don't become ill. Crossing my fingers... But for now this Winter Dream tea is very soothing. I don't have anything extremely funny or pressing to share with whoever is reading. Except I sometimes wonder if any really reads this. It's not very interesting. I know a lot of people read Mallory's blog. That'd be so cool if people looked forward to reading my posts. Alright well I've got to get ready for the day. I only have one class and then Program Council is having free Mr. Softee ice-cream today at the flagpole from 11-1. Yumsicles. And then after that I have brunch so this is going to be a great day.

P.S. check this out if you have time. It's an awesome cause.
http://mochaclub.org/joinme/mdekkers

I gave Mallory Nutt subtle hints that I want her to caress the locks on my head instead of Gretchen's but she didn't listen...

So today is a day of indulgence. Well technically speaking... the day that I am speaking of has ended 1 hour and 5 minutes ago, however I have chosen to extend this day a few more hours since I have yet to lay my head to a pillow. So when I use to word "today" I am actually speaking about last month...Wednesday, September 30th, 2009. Which reminds me, switching back to the literal sense of time, Happy October! But anyway back to indulgence. But hold on, could I comment on the disorganization of this post real quick right here. Simply superb. You know what else is simply superb? Vanilla coffee and the fact that I keep trying to spell the word superb, suberb. So indulgence. I took two terrible tests today.... [pause] yeah... Oh yes. That alliteration is mind-blowing. Anyway... Accounting and Marketing both owned me. So after it all I decided that I would celebrate my liberation from the tyranny of those terribly trying tests [eh? eh? you love it] and eat and do whatever I wanted today. Well within reason... I still had to go to PC Board Meeting, tutor the children, and then go to recruitment workshop, however, I did really let loose on the diet. It felt great to eat cookies and cream ice-cream and it currently feels great to be eating vanilla sugar wafers. Yumsicles. "I like it hard" - Gretchen. Anyway... It is now 1:24 and I have yet to draw a single thing in my sketchbook. I am supposed to have 7 drawings done. "Just spend 15 minutes a day sketching and don't wait till the last night and do it all at once." Of course not! Who would do that?..... Oh.... oops. Did I mention that I am going to start spitting rhymes? It's always been a secret dream of mine. The first successful, female, white rapper. I can see it in headlines already. Oh yes. In lights even. I won't let tha hataz hold me down. I don't think I can put off the inevitable for much longer. However, before I leave let me mention a few things. Martha had a birthday today [not today]. I watched Lie To Me with half of team chocolate. Great show. I'm excited about Halloween and the many things that are to come in this lovely month. I'm loving life. I love tea. And I love you.

Pienso que es una buena idea terminar este nota en español. Entonces, buenas noches y espero que tengas una vida bonita. Hasta luego, chiquitito.

my mom came to visit for the weekend and we had a blast together...

This weekend has been just splendiferous. Well I guess we could start with Thursday night since I sort of feel like that's when my weekend started. Ro and T-Lo had an ABC party (Anything But Clothes) and it was a blast. We won't go into detail but yes it was a blast. I had some good quad bonding time. I just want to mention that I am so happy that I have my Alpha Chi sisters in my life because they are always there for me. They are my best friends. They always have my back and it means so much to me. But anyway, moving on from that sappy note... Friday was Couture! It was absolutely fantastic. I really enjoyed being on the audience side this year. All the models looked amazing, so fierce. I'm so excited that we were able to give over $23,000 to Genesis Women's Shelter and Alpha Chi Omega Foundation. Couture made me so proud to be an Alpha Chi. So afterwards we went back to the house to get ready for Tea Partayyy. Mama was gonna come with but she was tired and wanted to be rested and ready for a full day of fun with me on Saturday. So we all went out together and danced the night away in our cardigans, pearls, and polos. Then my mama took me and the quadmates out to lunch at BuzzBrews. It was spectacular. Then mama and I went shopping and had dinner. Then we went to go see Fame, which I'll be honest was merely mediocre. So cliché and predictable with not nearly enough dance/performance scenes. But it was enjoyable. I had to take my mom to the airport this morning after a lovely breakfast at La Madeleine. Then I had to tutor for a few hours which is for sure the highlight of my days. Note the sarcasm. I must say I really do enjoy getting to hang out with the kids though. They are a lot of fun. They're hilarious! But the academics part isn't always the most fun. It can be frustrating sometimes. But anyway... Now I'm sitting on the couch at the house next to April and we're watching 50 First Dates. I should be studying or be working out right now however, I am not. Oh wellllll...... I guess I should get on with my life and hopefully my next post will be more interesting for you to read. P.S. wish me luck....

I read a text thinking it said "satanic princess" instead of "satanic priestess"...

Oh why hello. It's been a few days since I last wrote. I've been pretty lazy and unmotivated so much so that I couldn't muster up enough brain power and mental processes to come up with something to write about. I have to say that intellectually stimulating conversations with impossibly interesting people are one of those things that you can sometimes take for granted. But when I am missing them as a key part of my life... it makes everything feel stale, bland, pasty and processed. And I hate routine, small-talk conversation. I love spontaneous, random and well-thought out comments and criticisms. I absolutely adore hilarious people. I know I've said that before somewhere but it's so true. Painfully funny people are a must in my life. But anyway... this weekend was chock-full of fun. From Sigma Chi's "Morning After" party to random apartment party hopping with Banta or even spontaneous shopping sprees with the quadmates. It was a great time. However, I'm sensing so much tension and drama and, pardon my French, complete bullshit going on in this house. I'm tired of the shit-talking, the major attitude problems, and the unfriendliness. It's so unnecessary. We had sisterhood retreat and shared about how we want to be more tight-knit and eliminate the ever-pervading negativity that floods this house. Well it looks like no one has really taken a step to do anything about that. I don't know I just wish everyone could be nice and have each other's backs and be supportive and uplifting and I don't know just have a blast together. I guess I should get on with the actual implementation of these fun sisterhood events that we've been brainstorming for a while. Anyway, I'm done with my rant. It's just frustrating sometimes. Well my computer is at 13% power right now so I should probably go plug it in a head to bed.

Goodnight moon.

I decided to go out before studying for my accounting quiz...

Bad idea. Very very bad idea. It is now 2:36 am and I am attempting to read through Chapter 5: Cost Behavior - Analysis and Use of my Managerial Accounting class. I am completely and utterly exhausted right now. It's been such a long day! I start class at 9:30 with drawing for nearly 3 hours and then I have a short break where I usually prepare for my next two classes. Today I had my business law exam which was a beast. And then after that I had Solo Performance and then dinner, then gym, then tutoring for 3 hours and then I went out because my body absolutely required some recovery time. Tutoring takes such a toll on my mental ability. I just couldn't jump right back into studying my own information. That would piece together to form a most depressing lifestyle. I need variation! I need spontaneity. So now I am sitting here trying to prepare for a quiz that I have in approximately just short of 7 hours from now. Oh dear. I think it's bed time.

Goodnight, sweet dreams and Merry Christmas to all!

I waited till the night before to study for my Business Law exam...

Alright so I have yet to explain the title of this blog and my individual posts. Well if you hang around me on a regular basis then you will hear me say the phrase "Remember that time...." literally every 5-7 minutes. I began to notice the frequency one day and then decided that it had become and really annoying habit and I would try to limit my use of it, however it was nearly impossible. It reminded me of when I was young and I tried to not be a "valley girl" who says "like" all the time. Also failed at that. So when creating this blog I decided that it is a phrase that completely reflects me. Also make note of the fact that almost every single time I use the phrase I am referring to what is happening at that very moment, hence the titles of my posts. Each of them are continuations of my all time favorite catch phrase. So anyway, let's discuss the issue at hand, aka my finesse in the realm of procrastination. I decided that the best way to handle my lack of understanding of the subject of business law would be to wait till midnight the night before the first big exam. I'm incredibly brilliant. And now I decided that since I read a whole whopping 6 pages I deserve a break for my diligence. I love living a life of delusion. So now I must quit ignoring and putting off the inevitable. Wish me luck!

Au revoir!

Oh and ponder this...

I talked too much about losing weight...

Alright well I have officially acknowledged the fact that I have become one of those people that incessantly brings up a topic that no one wants to hear about. I hate those kinds of people so now that I have recognized that I am one of them I am going to do something about it. I am going to try my best to not bring up my immense frustrations surrounding my weight and my inability to lower it with those close to me. I know some of you are probably saying "OMFG, THANK THE GOOD LORD" I know I know... I'm sorry. But really you have no idea, and I mean NO IDEA how much this frustrates, depresses, and discourages me in my everyday life. I want SO badly to look the way I used to look and to feel sexy and thin. I don't say these things to fish for compliments. This is how I feel. I have an image in my head of how I want to look and the way I look right now, no matter how many times people tell me that I look great, is not the way I want to look. So from now on I will intermittently blog about these frustrations. But don't worry I will make these kind of rants seldom. I have decided that my new weight-loss tactic starting tonight will be to drink an enormous amount of water. I already exercise everyday and eat balanced meals but I think that drinking lots of water, and primarily 2 glasses before every meal, will help me eat smaller portions and leave me less hungry and prone to snacking. Alright well I'm glad that we have laid that out. So seriously if you hear me complain about it again just slap me on the hand. I'll probably forget that I told you to do that and I'll look at you very confused but I'll get it... eventually. Eventually... I don't really like that word. It requires me to wait. And waiting is not something I am fond of doing.

I didn't know how to blog...

I think that I greatly misunderstand the point of blogging. I have yet to establish an actual purpose of this blog. I have mulled over the idea of maybe addressing different issues in each post or maybe even just exploring different parts of me that I find puzzling or maybe just tell you all a funny story from my day. Maybe this doesn't have to have one universal goal. Maybe I'm just making a bigger deal out of this than I am supposed to. But here I am using the 5 spare minutes in my morning, after consuming my breakfast concoction of Yoplait yogurt, blueberries and Special K (try it sometimes, it's delicious), filling this text box with words. And lookie here.... Time's up. Have a lovely day. Stay dry. Make good decisions. Change the world. Laugh. Be loud. And don't let anyone shh you. ;)

I tried to understand pompous theatrical bullshit....

Oh yeah.... that's right now. And the past 10 times that I have read and tried to comprehend what the hell this prompt is saying.

"Sandra Richards writes: “Humanists and scientists seeking to articulate a ‘new science of the human’ have argued that human species survival depends upon our being socialized through the ‘enchantment’ of symbolic discourse into desiring a particular mode of being; thus, each culture must create, as it were, necessary lies or an order of discourse that presents itself as the true narrative in opposition to all others in order to function systematically as a behavior regulatory mechanism. By beginning to understand how we are necessarily seduced into thinking and feeling certain aspects of identity as an irreducible category of existence, we become aware of the limits of our own discourse and may be more open to entertaining different modes of being that address some of those limitations" (CAUGHT IN THE ACT OF SOCIAL DEFINITION, 50). How is this principle employed/enacted/embodied by Anna Deavere Smith in the video of TWILIGHT: LOS ANGELES 1992?"

It's making a bit more sense the more I read it in the context of the rest of the text and after looking up the definition of the word "discourse" which is, in case you were also unware, written or spoken communication or debate. Interesting. This is going to be tough to write because I know that I am can be an excellent BSer but... I feel that if I begin my BS now without complete and total understanding of the topic then I might be totally off. Maybe I'll go around the house and legitimately ask people to read it to help me understand. Alright I'm going to go try that. Wish me lucky. I'm doomed. It's already 12:44. Good thing it only has to be 500 words.

Blogging Shmogging

This is now officially the 3rd online outlet of Michelle Dekkers's thoughts, ideas and emotions. Those meaningless details of my life that are irrelevant to most. Where do my other online postings reside you ask? Xanga (Ohhh yeah... You all remember it. Don't deny it. You had one) and Livejournal. Oh the good old days where I would post every single day and would faithfully report what happened during 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th period of Jr. High and High School. If you ever want to treat yourself to many hours of laughs, go back and read your old old posts. So hilarious. But anyway, I am currently sitting in the TV room in the Alpha Chi house watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Very sad episode, I must admit. I am also currently sipping on my breakfast black tea that our lovely house mom Martha bought as a result of my request. What an angel. The rain has finally stopped falling and will hopefully... alright scratch that. It literally just started raining again. I am without an umbrella OR raincoat for the time being. That needs to change immediately. However, I do have rainboots, BUT they are one size too small and make my feet fall asleep. Anyway, you don't care about that. Who is "you" anyway? This is my first post. I have no readers yet. Alright well I should probably stop procrastinating. I have much to do! I will spare you all and not make a list of it. See there I go again with the "you all." So pathetic.

Toodle-loo!