someone enouraged me to start up my blog again for real...

Alright so a new friend of mine motivated me to blow the dust off this blog and start fresh again. This doesn't necessarily have to be solely about pleasing the reader. It can just be for me. A place where I can open up and be honest with myself. So honestly... I need to spill what has been on my mind lately. I'm at a point in my life where I am finally taking a step back and observing where I'm at in all aspects of my life. By doing this, a sort of foggy layer has been lifted and I am able to see how far off the path I have wandered. If the person I was two years ago was looking at me as I am now, I'm sure the present-me would be utterly unrecognizable. How is it that I have so completely lost myself? I feel like I have literally uprooted myself and then proceeded to toss myself into the wind to let the world and those around me whisk me in any direction that they want. I'm trying to figure out how to start putting the pieces back together because I can't go on living this way. Another thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately is grades. I don't know what to do about them right now but they are the worst that they have ever been. I don't know how I let that happen but I currently have an estimate of two C+'s. I'm so disappointed in myself because I know I'm smart enough to get all A's but instead of reading before class, paying attention and taking good notes I decide to be lazy, go to class but do other work or go on facebook and have very incomplete notes. I just don't understand why I am so lazy all the time. It takes such minor tweaks to my study habits for some drastically improved results. JUST DO IT Michelle. There is so much to talk about... Let's just pick out the important things. This afternoon and evening I spent a good amount of time thinking and brainstorming ideas for my solo performance that is quickly becoming a huge priority and something that I can no longer keep putting off. I have to perform a rough version of it next Thursday! This is completely terrifying to me. As of now I only have a rough structure of how I want the flow of the piece to be set up and a few scattered ideas, but nothing even close to a script. I spent a lot of hours tonight reading through my old xanga and livejournal posts and found some great material that I think I can use to reference how I was feeling right after my father passed away. These past couple of days and this next week are going to be hard for me. I call it excavating the past because it really is digging up memories, both happy and sad, and reconstructing them. Those thoughts and moments that have been comfortably living in the way back of my psyche are being brought forward to the front of the line and it's tough at times to have them sit there. This is stuff that doesn't go through my mind often. These are wounds that are mostly healed that scars that I'm now having to pick at. This has to be done though. I hope it turns out the way I plan it to. Well that's all for tonights ramblings. Thanks for reading if you got this far.