...I became extremely anti-social

At this point I feel an extreme aversion towards having a conversation with another human being. What's going on?

...I didn't realize how fast 7 years flew by

Seven. Seven whole years.

I've been sitting here thinking, how could seven years have gone by? I was 14. I am 21. Those seven years have been so rich and full of momentous events. He didn't experience any of them with me. I was just entering high school. I'm about to graduate college. He didn't stick around to get to know me. And I didn't get the chance to get to know him. It's just a sad thought.


There's nothing I can do but light a candle and remember a day seven years ago. A sad day. I can only sit and be thankful for the support of my friends, family and God which have gotten me to where I am today.

...I just mused about a thought

"During this trip, I really want to learn how to be with myself. Really be with myself, on the inside. To be okay thinking about myself. How many of us avoid doing just that? Thinking about the things that make us who we are, or how we can improve upon ourselves. I do. I'm scared to think about myself sometimes, its not always pretty. But I want to be able to claim myself, with all my flaws and mistakes."

These are the words of one of my wise friends. This is so true. I need a trip where I can do this. Because it is so much easier to live each day, keeping yourself amply busy and avoiding ever sitting in the silence listening to yourself and your thoughts and pondering where you are at in your life, emotionally and literally. It's so much easier to get up each day and go from task to task, then keep myself distracted between breaks with a computer and then finally get in bed and fall asleep and do the same thing the next day.

...I finally updated about my 21st birthday Vegas trip

Blogger! I missed you terribly. Oh, how I have neglected you so! I have so much to tell you! So much has happened since my 21st birthday and I never wrote to recap Vegas.

Basically, I was treated like an actual princess (and looked like one too after Marco took me to a costume shop and bought me a fancy tiara which I sported the whole trip, even in themost.... unfortunate of situations that I will not blog about hahaha)

Wednesday August 4th: I walked around the Forum shops and drank a sizable amount including a 1/2 yard margarita with 5 Patron shots in it WOOOOO and drank that out in the open because Vegas rocks my world, then that night I ate at Julian Serrano for Marco's mom's birthday. Later I got ready to go out on the town, it was supposed to be a "bar hopping" night but we spent the whole time at Blue Martini with a big group of people.

After that was SALSAAA dancing at Rhumbar and then another special visit for the night (LOL). Let's just say I woke up with 17 tally marks on my arm.Thursday, August 5th: I started the day recovering from my hangover in the cabana that my mom got for usby the Palms Pool (pictured below)

I also visited the "European style" pool at Caesar's Palace. Then later we met up with my fam at The Grand Lux Café at the Venetian and had a lovely birthday dinner.

Then I got to go to the Ludacris concert for freeeee and Marco got us into the Miller Light private party, which was awesome. After the concert I went back to my room and got ready to go out for a night of clubbing. I put on my crazy Lady Gaga-esque birthday dress and headed over to the Aria to Haze night club. Jersey, one of Marco's friends/fraternity brothers, works at Haze and got me and my friends put on a special guest list and we didn't have to wait in line at all (also it was a locals only night but we were able to get in). The bouncer pulled back the velvet rope and said "Come on in Princess."

After Haze closed at 4am we participated in some other shenanigans and the night was a complete success.

Friday, August 6th: Ditch Friday baby! The Palms Pool is the place to be on Fridays because it's a giant rager around a pool. There is a DJ spinning and everyone is dancing and having a great time, in and out of the water. Marco was able to get us access to the VIP deck where there was an open bar AND got us lounge chairs when everyone and their mom was trying to get one too. The lifeguard pulled out 2 extra chairs for us while everyone around us watched in awe. It was ridiculous. After a good time spent at the pool party, we headed over to the Mirage and saw dolphins and tigers and such. Then we ended the day with dinner at the Wynne buffet where Marco knew the manager (who brought us complimentary champagne). All in all, best weekend everrrrr.

...I turned 21

I promised myself I would blog about this outrageous week of mine but approaching the task almost feels like homework or a massive project.

Let's start with midnight on my actual birthday. Picture me dressed up in a black mini skirt, red top, and red patent leather heels like I'm going out on the town when in reality I'm going to a super casual dive bar in Sherman Oaks called The Barrel (pictured below). So I wait outside anxiously for the clock on my tiny cellphone display to hit 12:00am taking photos with my mom, Craig, my stepsister Shauna and her boyfriend Johnny to kill time. I refused to enter before midnight.

I ran in cheering with my arms in the air into a DEAD silent bar with approximately two other men sitting, quietly sipping their beverages. I'm sure they didn't expect a girl to come there with her loud family for her 21st birthday, but it's something that I have talked about doing with Craig for a long time now. I had the bartender check my ID and then ordered my first drink which was an Adios Motherf&*#er haha. I proceeded to have 6 other drinks within 42 minutes and then had... maybe 3 more and I left the bar passing out and then proceeded to... well.... expel the drinks I had imbibed.

The next morning after about 20 phone calls on the house phone and cellphone I woke up on the floor of my bedroom (yeah.. I don't know either..) and was promptly told by my mother that I was an hour and a half late to my hair appointment. After stumbling to the bathroom and witnessing my atrocious appearance, I quickly washed the smeared and smudged makeup off my face and changed out of the disheveled clothes I was wearing the night before and attempted to survive driving myself to the salon.

I returned home after driving through at Jack In The Box and tried to pack up the rest of my stuff until my mother approached me and told me that she didn't have a good feeling about me leaving for Vegas that day. Me and my extremely hungover self agreed whole-heartedly and crawled into my room and passed out for 4 hours.

Later in the evening I met up with Kyle and Todd and went over to City Walk to celebrate Michelle Pearson's friends 21st birthday along with my own, however I was feeling so nauseous all day that I could hardly stomach any drinks. We stayed for a while at Howl At The Moon and then made our way over to Saddle Ranch where I had a mojito and a free bull ride. It was a pretty chill evening, which was needed after that first night of madness.

Now onto Vegas. My mom, Craig, my Uncle Phil and I left at 7am the next morning for Vegas. I was still feeling pretty terrible from the first night at The Barrel and was confused at how a hangover could last for almost 48 hours. I tried to sleep for a bit on the drive there since I had a terrible night of sleep the night before but didn't really have much luck. When I arrived in Vegas I checked into my hotel at the Palms and well I think this was enough for one blog. I'll share Vegas tomorrow.

TRUE BLOOD TONIGHT!!

...I felt dead

Apathy.

I feel my life currently revolves around that word. Like I have been robbed of all true emotion. Oh yes, I have become very good at feigning sentiments. Almost so much so that I have been fooling myself for, who knows how long, into thinking that I am happy or upset or passionate or excited. But really... when I turn off the music in the car and sit, I feel nothing. Just a steady hum of oblivion.

There is no passion without love. I think I want love in every sense of the word. Not the love that I can't return. Not the superficial kind. Not the kind that hurts you or makes you want to change. True, pure, inspiring, invigorating love. And this doesn't necessarily mean the romantic kind. I want the love that is found in vitality, in friendship, in God, in family, in dreams and goals and, yes, in a relationship too. I want to feel something, even if it's pain or sadness or fury. I need to feel something because right now I feel dead.

I feel like I have completely lost myself and I'm almost at the point of no return. How can I find my way back? I lost the map, my phone died, I have no compass, the trail has disappeared, and the forest has thickened. Why am I always pretending? I literally pretend all of the time. It's frightens me how untrue I am to myself and the fact that I actually don't even know what I mean by "myself."

I know the whole existential crisis is worn out and over-played, but that is where I am at. Passionless. Nothingness. Blank. Empty.

...I naively got very insulted by the fact that someone unfollowed me on Twitter

I mean, I won't belabor the subject but, if you knew the whole story you would understand why it feels like a tiny slap in the face. And this is me moving on and getting over it. Just had to vent that frustration somewhere. Now that I read over it, it sounds ridiculous that I would be insulted by something as petty and trivial as Twitter, but oh well.

Anyway back to finishing up the summary of my life. I was discussing my summer school escapades. What I loved was being able to come home and have nothing to do but study and I would take my books with me to the pool and tan and read for a couple hours and it was so relaxing. Life only started to get stressful when my photography class started to kick my ass. It got extremely demanding out of nowhere and didn't let up until the last day of class. And you'll love the grade results of my one month of school: Tax - A, ITOM 2 - A, Photography - .........B+. Yep... In the two supposedly extremely challenging business classes I received A's but in the intro to photography class I couldn't manage to even achieve an A-. I nearly died. It's not like I slacked one bit in that class either. I actually tried very hard and put a ton of hours into my work. Nothing I can do now though. Thankfully those A's boosted my GPA, especially my Accounting GPA (thank God). Ok but honestly who cares about all of that. Let's discuss the many adventures that I went on and experienced during that month of madness.

These are probably going to be out of order
• EDC Dallas - literally SO much fun. I danced the night away with friends I came with and friends I met there. This time I was completely conscious which made the experience exponentially more fun. Benny Benassi, Kaskade, Moby and Rusko were all amazing
• Photo adventures with Sarah and some with Mookie. Sarah and I once decided to drive down Harry Hines trying to find various hidden gems to capture and on this adventure we drove all the way to Irvine, got kicked off a property, went and tried to find a bathroom in a ridiculous shopping mall, ended up in an area that had an ungodly amount of Perfume shops (yeah, wtf?), and got so lost that we had to use a paper map and the sun to guide us home.
• Cynthia had a very busy month playing in Uptown
• Karaoke!!
• danced in the rain and sang at the top of my lungs on the roof with my favorite roomie ever, had random interpretive and expressive dance parties in our apartment, lived in a dark sauna of an apartment in order to save money, ate mainly carrots and ramen for a month, watched Glee and House, had a scary movie night, had a midnight pool party and then trashed the apartment, sat around with the pillows off the couch because it was more comfortable that way
• And then finally made the final trek back to California with Trey. Boy was that a marathon of a drive or what. We stopped and stayed in Kingman, Arizona at a supper classy Super 8 motel. Oh and we ate extremely delicious Thai food in Albuquerque, NM. Hmm we also drank lots of Red Bull, Rockstar and other crack-like drinks. It was quite an adventure.

Since I've been back: (why are lists so much easier to manage than a normal paragraph? I guess it's because the points don't have to flow easily and no transition is required. I call this lazy blogging)

I'll save this for my next post. Personally, I hate when people post novels, so I will not bore you down with too much in one post.

Time for shopping!!

...I told a friend that I was going to blog about our fantastic adventure and then followed through days later

Alright my dearest blog,

I really need you to stop being so intimidating. I fear/avoid writing in you because life is too immense and I am extremely inconsistent and out of routine blogging. So then I am faced with a blank textbox that is supposed to capture the new adventures I have, the new people I meet, the new struggles I face. It's a lot of pressure!!

So anyway... First, let's do a quick recap of the past couple of months:

I had a crazy hard semester where I was so busy I barely found time to breathe, school got really overwhelming and I did not do well at all (I even started to believe that I was slowly getting stupider rather than smarter). It's like I would spend hours studying and trying to understand concepts and then I would go into an exam believing that I grasped the concepts and then I would get a terrible grade. It was extremely disheartening. But I got through it. I got an internship for Spring 2011 with a fantastic accounting firm, Ernst & Young, and I feel soo blessed to have this opportunity. After school got out I had 10 days of freedom to come home and relax after I did all my accounting office visits. I was able to celebrate my mama's birthday with her (we spent the weekend in Manhattan/Hermosa beach). So after the freedom ended I returned to Dallas to my cute little apartment at The Phoenix Midtown with my super fun, quirky, adventurous, hilarious and best summer roommate everrr, Miss Sarah Kane. During the month of June I took three classes during Summer Session I (Federal Income Tax, Operations Management aka ITOM 2, and Photography). It was quite possibly one of the most insane ideas I've ever come up with... I cannot believe I completed 9 hours in one month.. But to be honest, I really enjoyed the layout of summer school. Everything is concise and to the point and there are no other outside commitments like Program Council or Alpha Chi.

Honestly, I keep walking away from this post. It's too much to do in one sitting. Alright here's the deal... I'll post this and then come back and write another post soon. Like maybe later tonight :)

...I realized something awful

I think I'm going to be single forever because
a.) guys don't want to date girls who won't have sex with them.
b.) I don't have enough redeeming qualities to keep attention. I'm not pretty enough, funny enough, thin enough, smart enough, nice enough, fun enough, or interesting enough to warrant them staying around.
c.) i'm giving up.

Why do I feel trapped and hindered and shy and awkward and like I don't fit anywhere?

...I couldn't think of a title because I have too many things to say

random statements, thoughts, musings, observations...

• My life is merely an obsession with how I'm perceived and what people think about me, so much so that I leave no time to grow and be a better person. This obsession consumes me.
• I fear that I'm slowly getting stupider. Maybe it's just that classes are harder but I feel the weight of incompetence on my shoulders.
• I cannot concentrate on anything and I have so little motivation.
• I witnessed a friend of mine talking with another girl in the same car as me and I noticed that I lack the communication skills that make someone a good friend. She was sounding genuinely interested and kept asking meaningful questions. I can't remember the last time I had a meaningful conversation. Why do I talk about nothing all the time when there is so much else to say?
• Do I even have a best friend anymore? Someone to share my innermost thoughts, fears, secrets, dreams with?
• This intense love/hate obsession with food is killing me. I'm never going to feel normal about eating.
• I wish that I could feel comfortable and happy in my own skin.
• I am sorry that this blog is so emo for whoever is reading but you know... these are the things that weigh on me that I don't usually say out loud.
• I wish I had a job right now because money is getting tight and I don't want to ask my mom for more money again. I'm just so annoyed that I have to potentially buy a new tire again. And I have to have enough money to get an oil check and pay for gas for my trip back home.
• Sometimes I wonder whether I just don't do certain things for a real reason or just because I don't do them.
• I feel desensitized, meaningless and empty a majority of the time.
• Sometimes I just wish I could pack a small bag, take off to Europe and never look back. Just travel and explore the world on my own. Get lost in the wild. Rid myself of this sick society that has me tangled in it's snares.
• My thoughts and opinions and mindset feel so incredibly twisted and uncharacteristic of who I thought I was.
• I wish my dad was here for Father's Day.
• I really need to study and stop writing in here.

I held my breath to try...

SUFFOCATION:

Failed attempts to.

By the overwhelming nature of things I can't seem to fucking control no matter how high I am or what goals I set or how I restrict myself.

Fingers pushing against my trachea. Stay closed. Please.

But I still gasp. My body fights against me. Why can't I ever win? Why can't I ever follow through?

Ok, Michelle. No more of this (Exhibit A). You want to be this (Exhibit B). No control. No resistance. No power. Failure. Fuck.

You did it once but can never seem to go back. You're so weak. So pathetic. So susceptible. You sicken me.

Don't smile. It's ugly. Run away. Don't let any part of you be captured. Cringe. Gag.

Gag.

when Mookie came over to the Phoenix and drank Chardonnay....

Welcome to summerrrrrr.

I used to blog....

Hmmm there is too much to post.

Life is changing, big time.

A ton of things are going on and a lot has happened.

I shall update soon with bullet points... not that any of you are reading anymore.

I started having a minor panic attack and wished that I could just cease to live right now...

I am actually freaking out right now. I have so much to do. I waited till today to start studying for my accounting exam. This is such an important class and I've been putting off studying to do other things. I also have a 5 page paper due Tues that I haven't even begun to think about and this week is going to be crazy with all these Accounting firm info sessions. I feel ill. I am so stressed and nervous that I can't even blog. Worst post ever. And this hardly explains all the things that are worrying me in my mind right now. It's so much more than I can type.

I didn't post for like... an eon? or two?

Right now I am helping the dearest Sarah Kane with her Creative Concepting thumbnails. I love living vicariously through my Creative Ad major friends. It's so much fun for me to get to come up with ad ideas after spending hours on Accounting and Finance. You have no idea how much I love this. I could have gone to sleep hours ago but I am still sitting here spitting out ideas right and left. Oh gosh I have so much to blog about that it's nearly making me develop an aneurism. Alright let's start with things that are exciting in my life right now. 1) I just got into Alpha Kappa Psi (business fraternity) wooo!! 2) I got elected as Marketing Chair for Alpha Chi! 3) My grade change for Solo Performance was finally posted and my overall SMU GPA went from a 3.65 to a 3.668! Hey... It's a lot in my book.... haha 4) I'm getting really nervous/excited about all the accounting career activities that are coming up in the next couple of weeks! EEEEK! Alright now on to other things in life.... Let's see I decided for lent I'm going to give up two things: sweets and cursing. Two of my really bad habits. I'm excited about it. Hopefully the first one will help me in my quest to lose some weight before Spring break. I'm so excited for Miami. It's going to be great. Alright well... I am too tired for this right now. I need to go to bed. I'll post tomorrow. And it will be a good one. <3

i was slowly falling to pieces....

I can literally feel myself crumbling. Like I'm about to drown. I'm sinking and there's nothing to grab onto.

Despair...

ANGER

frustration

deep sadness

anxiety

intense regret

I just felt like writing random thoughts instead of a coherent post...

brain-washed

I've been brain-washed...
When did this happen?
Was there a certain event?
Did the swishy, torrential flood come from something someone said one day?
Who am I?
What are my values?
Where is my self-assurance?
How did judgment, status, obsession, materiality, labels, facades, and this new desperate need of affirmation from those completely unworthy of voicing their ignorant, ruthless opinion become a part of everyday life?
What happened?
Why?

Can I please go back to freshman year when I held my own strong beliefs and stood on a strong ground and didn't cling to the sinking-sand misery of petty petulance that pervades the air of this snobby university?

What a waste of thoughts...

None of this matters at all...... It's all ridiculous.

Can someone please shake me and wake me up?

I absolutely couldn't stand people's attitudes and passive-aggressiveness...

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand how people can be so incredibly immature in the way that they deal with events, situations and people in their life. I suppose I have to step back and realize that people are seemingly completely sheltered with respect to the real world that surrounds them and the fact that they are obvious to the reality that in this life, there are tragedies that extend FAR beyond any ridiculous, petty annoyances that life inevitably brings. It truly is mind-boggling to see these kinds of people behave. But hey, there's nothing I can really do about it besides continue living my life and continue loving others and the Lord.

Anyway, this weekend has been pretty epic so far. This semester I am fortunate enough to have a minimum of 3 day weekends the whole time. No Friday class. It's absolutely glorious. I didn't really utilize my Friday very well this week but it's okay. I know that this Friday will be better. The sisterhood events that I planned all ended up being very successful! I was so happy that everyone had fun at them. A TON of girls showed up to the Senior Sundaes event and same with the Sophomore Spa night. So after spa night we had a BET vs. CMT party where I won best costume for my ghetto fabulousness. It was a great night. And then last night we had Bid Night with Beta which was also a ton of fun. The club that we went to was a super cool venue and the DJ was great and it was just an all-around fun night for all. The babies looked gorgeous as usual and we all got a nice leg work-out from doing work on the dance floor.

Today so far I've showered, am currently doing laundry, tutored for 2 hours, and now I'm about to delve into some serious reading time. Well it's a little past 4 so I should get started on that so I can keep track of my study hours to submit for scholar dollars. I'm determined to be on top of that this semester :)

I didn't blog for FOREVER...

Oh goodness it has been so long! I have been insanely busy since I last posted which was the end of the 2nd day of Open House for rush. SO much has happened. Skit day went really well. It was packed with energy and fun. I had a blast dancing in it and the Glee theme turned out amazing! Then there was Pref night, my personal favorite night and also the night that made me want to be an Alpha Chi. It's such a special night for every Alpha Chi because we are able to expose our true colors and reveal the strength of the bond of our sisterhood. Like, it honestly sounds so cheesy but I'm being incredibly sincere. When we sing, "It feels like Home to me" I mean it with all my heart. Alpha Chi Omega is my home and that is the one thing that I wanted to effectively communicate to girls going through rush. I want them to see the love that we share for one another as sister and want to be a part of it. This Pref night was especially important because it highlights the seniors and my big, Anna Lee is a senior and is going to be graduating this semester. I'm gonna miss her so much. She's the best big I could ever ask for. I love my family :) That means my little, Marlee too! Then.... we got the best news ever on Bid Day with the announcement of all our new, BEAUTIFUL, fun and perfect little Alpha Chis. We got such a fantastic pledge class and it makes me beam from the inside when I think about it. These girls are gems! I already love every single one of them to death! I got so excited about them that I took my position of sisterhood chair to the max! I planned a TON of amazing, fun, sisterhood events for this next month and a half. We just had one tonight which was Junior Drive-In night. Basically it was the Junior class pairing up with the new members and the plan was that we were all going to go see Leap Year at the drive-in movie theater in Ennis which is about 45 minutes away. However, there was an extreme amount of unforeseeable traffic, therefore, half of the group ended up at the drive-in and the other half, including me, ended up at Northpark AMC theater. It was still sooo much fun. Oh and the other day we got a HUGE group together and went to Ozona's for dinner. We had a table of 40+. It was fantastic, and then we all went out together to an apartment and then M Street. It was so fun to go party and dance with the babies. Also this is the first week of classes and so far they haven't been too bad. I just know that it is going to be an extremely tough semester, especially with my Intermediate Accounting and Finance courses. But I'm sure I will survive. This week is going to be so much fun, I can't wait. I will keep blogging every day so I don't get too behind like I did this time. Alright it is definitely bedtime. <3

I was completely insulted by someone I literally just met...

Alright well I might lightly touch on the subject that I addressed in the title but for now let's rejoice and smile at the fact that the 2nd day of Open House is over and everything was successful. I've really been enjoying meeting new girls all week. It's actually been a very enjoyable process. I always get so nervous before the first party but then I realize that it's not a big deal and that conversations with people aren't something that I need to dread or bite my nails over.

I activated my new replacement phone today. It's so nice to have a phone that doesn't turn off in the middle of text messages anymore. It's so convenient and less frustrating. And it also looks nicer because the silver rim around the edges is now intact instead of black from the pieces that flaked off.

I got to eat BuzzBrews today for lunch which was delicious as always and I had my usual cup of Chai Tea Latte, which is unsettlingly good there. Then after rush activities today the quad and I went out to dinner at Mi Cocina, but I decided to eat before so I could save some money and I just got a $1.50 cup of their delicious rice. It was a very pleasant day, which ended on a bit of a sour note. People need to get over themselves and stop being selfish, egotistical pricks. Ugh. It's so unappealing. Anyway, all of my quadmates have turned off their computers and lights so that's my cue to go dry my hair and get ready for bed.

Goodnight moon.

once again, Mallory Nutt inspired me...

Well my Lovely Bones book just got spilled on. Unfortunate times. But other than that, this day has been exceptional. The mornings are the only thing that gets me. I'm just so exhausted all the time, and yes, I know that I bring it upon myself by staying at friends houses till the wee hours of the morning but I need it. I need the male interaction and the relaxation. Me, Nicolette, and Banta have been going over to Seth Thomas's house to hang out, drink cider and watch episodes of True Blood. It's been absolutely lovely. But to counter this I have been using every moment to nap. Even during a snack break I'll run to my room and jump in bed hoping that no one will notice my absence, however I am always discovered. But pride week has been utterly fantastic. Everything has been going so smoothly, it's been extremely enjoyable and efficient. Today I had a ton of laughs with Mallory during lunch. She explained in her post about how we were goofing off and we fell on the floor in line for food and everyone looked at us like we were crazed freaks haha. It was magical. This afternoon we performed our skit for our alumni, friends, and family. It went so well! I'm so glad that I finally have the dances learned, but I still feel inferior to the rest of the dancers since they have so much experience but everyone's been telling me that I fit right in and that I'm doing a great job. But seriously I think they are just being nice and honestly, even though they're probably just saying it to make me feel better, I appreciate the support.

Tonight after the skit preview, we got to mingle with alumni and hang out, which was so nice. I love that actually know a lot of the alumni, but it makes me feel sort of old. I can't believe I'm going to be a senior next year. i don't want to leave. I know that I'm definitely going to be coming back to Alpha Chi to watch the skit after I graduate. So anyway, after that Banta, Mallory, Nicolette, Bridgette, one of the nationals advisors, Courtney, and I went to dinner at Buca di Beppo together and it was absolutely delectable! Also affordable and extremely filling. It was a lovely evening filled with story-telling, laughing and bonding. Courtney is freaking fantastic. I wish she could be around all the time.

When we got back from dinner I walked into the TV/sitting room and saw that they were watching Glee, a show that I've yet to see. A side note, our skit is Glee themed, and until today I have only somewhat understood and appreciated the skit for what it is. But after seeing 3 episodes I am now, a) HOOKED ON THIS SHOW!!! and b) completely in love with our skit and it's extreme similarity to the performances in Glee. I'm so pumped and I can't wait to watch the first 10 episodes since tonight I watched 11, 12 and 13. I finally understand what the hype was about this show. It's sooo good.

I'm pretty excited for Recruitment to begin. I feel ready for it this year and not as completely terrified and nervous as I was last year. I think it's gonna be a blast and I'm so excited that I get to be a part of the skit this year. I love to perform even if I don't have that much talent, I do have enthusiasm.

Alright well I'm gonna go call my mama. I haven't talked to her since I left home on Weds. Kinda weird...

me and the quad were listening to Banta tell us random facts about the world...

The quad is complete hilarity right now. Banta is sitting here telling us random facts from some website and some commentary along with it. She's about to do an undocumented Snuggie dance. "Put your phone camera down." WOW that was actually life changing. Banta's Snuggie dance just changed my freaking life. Literally, hands down, one of the most hilarious things I have ever watched in my life. She wanted my attention so bad. She was getting all pouty when I wasn't watching her dance. It was precious, sad and hilarious all at the same time. Alright well Pride Week has been great so far. It's been so much fun getting to hang out with my sisters 24/7. This is the best. Tonight we got to go to Whirly Ball aka bumper cars + lacrosse + basketball = glorious!! So great. Until I got slammed into the side of my bumper car and I got a giant bruise on my hip. Oh and we've been doing a lot of skit practices and the dances are so fun this year. I love working with the other dancers. We've been having so much fun. I know I keep saying that but I truly mean it. I'm so happy and content and cheerful when I'm around my sisters. Yes, I know it sounds cheesy but it's true. Anyway, I really gotta get some sleep before tomorrow. We've got another full day ahead of us!

it was my last evening in California for a long long time...

This is probably going to be the longest amount of time that I am going to be away from home. A) I'm probably going to go somewhere different for Spring break. Ideally I'd like to go on a mission's trip because it's something I've wanted to do for so long, but I'm not sure how to go about planning for that. Maybe I can organize my own group. That would be strangely ambitious of me but you know, I'm feeling like this is going to be a courageous, boundary breaking year, ambitious kind of year. Oh and back to my list... B) I'm going to summer school for June so I won't be back till July 1st. It's so strange that Christmas break is over, well technically it's not because we still have pride week and then recruitment, but still these three weeks went pretty quick. I'm so excited to be with all my sisters again. I missed them so much. I also miss Dallas. It's so much fun there. I'm so over the valley.

I have so much packing to do but... since I'm not leaving till 3:40 tomorrow I'm putting it off. I hate packing more than anything. Well that's a lie but it's near the top of the list. Right now I am so content. I just finished a delicious cup of Earl Grey tea, I'm sitting on the couch with a blanket on, and I'm watching one of my favorite movies, aka Garden State. It's sooo good! Especially the soundtrack. Speaking of soundtrack, I've been downloading a bunch of songs lately. They're so good and I just bought new headphones, real ones, not those retarded ear bud things that never fit/stay in my ears. I have disabled ears, I'm convinced of it. It's so annoying. But anyway I bought some sweet Phillips street style headphones so now I can go to the gym when I get back to school and listen to my music or TV shows while I run on the treadmill. I'm so excited. Music is so motivating for me. Even at work. I just get so much more done. I'm so excited to hook up my iPod in my car too! :D.

I'm too immersed in this movie to concentrate on blogging :)

I decided to write twice in one day...

Alright so I haven't really gotten to spill all the things in my head yet today. My post earlier today preceded a very uplifting and encouraging phone call that I had with my lovely quadmate Mallory Nutt. That girl is an angel and I don't know what I'd do without her. I'd probably keep a lot more of my innermost, important thoughts inside and I'd laugh a hell of a lot less. She is one of my only friends that I can actually talk to about things that are important like goals, life paths, perceptions, God, dreams, etc. There is also Breann who I've recently gotten back in touch with. But seriously I really can't think of too many people that I can be that open and honest with and who will, in return, support me, encourage me and partner with me. I'm so thankful to have her in my life.

Alright onto another completely different topic, I WANT TO TRAVEL AND EXPLORE THE WORLD!! My friend Tyler Williams and his friends did it last summer (This was their blog) and are doing it again this summer. You have no idea how badly I want to do that! There is so much to see and explore and there are so many opportunities to change the world out there. I have such an itch to do so! I'm really hoping that next summer after I graduate I can go on a crazy trip through Europe and maybe even Egypt or something awesome like that. I just want to learn, grow, explore, and impact! I wasn't created to sit around, be lazy and do nothing. So who's with me?

I became overwhelmed with the message that God has been putting on my heart for so long...

Michelle, please don't let this newly ignited passion leave your heart. Don't forget this calling and longing. Please, don't fall back into the pit of sin. I hate that place so much. It's so empty and lonely and foggy and broken. I don't want to go back. Lord, please hear my heart. I want to change. I want my life to be different. I want this year to be so completely different. There is so much more to life than partying and trying to make people like me or my sorority or any of that. Why is it that I completely forget all of this when I get put in a sin-filled situation? Why have I become so weak? I feel like I am not built on rock anymore. I want my solid foundation back more than anything. I want to fully trust in the Lord. I need to surround myself with people who will encourage me to be the person that God wants me to be. I'm so tired of struggling. I'm so sick of being embarrassed to go to church because of the double life that I've been living. The time is now. I can't keep ignoring the call of God. But I have to be honest and admit that I don't want to be judged by the friends that I've made. I'm scared to lose friendships, but I know that if I do lose them, then they weren't worth having in the beginning. I don't want to be stuck in the muck of SMU. I want to rise above. Lord, please help me do this. I can't do anything without you. Build me up so that I can go out and tell the world of how beautiful your love is and make an impact on the world. I know that you have a purpose for my life and I need to start living for that.

[The Den Blog] The post from today is exactly where I'm at. It was almost eerie when I read it.

I made a commitment to be different in 2010 but made sure to go balls out on the last night of 2009...

Yeah, it's safe to say that last night was freaking great. I got to go to Paul Rodriguez's birthday party. He's a pro skater, but he is not cocky at all. He was so nice and everyone at the party was so fun. It was great. I loved calling up my quadruplets (I'm keeping this nickname. love it) and hearing/sharing details about our respective, wild nights. However, my blog doesn't not require details, especially about the end of the night so we'll just move on... Let's just say it was a great way to close out the year and that part of my life.

Today I woke up feeling the after effects of my night but nonetheless I had a great day. We had a Rose Bowl watching party at my house today which my mom planned but then wasn't here for because she ended up getting 2 last minute tickets to the game and took my Aunt Janet with her. She went to Ohio State and was sooo excited. She even went to the pep rally yesterday at Venice Beach. So precious. But anyway the party here was really fun, the game was great and the Buckeyes won making this a great day for all.

I just got back from having dinner with Chantel and some other friends at Buffalo Wild Wings. Delicioussss but not exactly the best thing for an unsettled tummy haha. I ate one of Chantel's Mango Habanero wings and it was so hot that it made me cry LOL. Thankfully I washed it down with delicious mango lemonade. Oh and they have the most amazing potato wedges. Oh my gosh so good. You know what I hate most about going out to dinner with friends? You always end up paying sooo much more than if it's just you and another person. I don't know how it happens but it does.

Now I'm going to a movie night at Evan's house with Frosty and some other people which should be lovely. Yay 2010 and Happy New Year!