...I felt dead

Apathy.

I feel my life currently revolves around that word. Like I have been robbed of all true emotion. Oh yes, I have become very good at feigning sentiments. Almost so much so that I have been fooling myself for, who knows how long, into thinking that I am happy or upset or passionate or excited. But really... when I turn off the music in the car and sit, I feel nothing. Just a steady hum of oblivion.

There is no passion without love. I think I want love in every sense of the word. Not the love that I can't return. Not the superficial kind. Not the kind that hurts you or makes you want to change. True, pure, inspiring, invigorating love. And this doesn't necessarily mean the romantic kind. I want the love that is found in vitality, in friendship, in God, in family, in dreams and goals and, yes, in a relationship too. I want to feel something, even if it's pain or sadness or fury. I need to feel something because right now I feel dead.

I feel like I have completely lost myself and I'm almost at the point of no return. How can I find my way back? I lost the map, my phone died, I have no compass, the trail has disappeared, and the forest has thickened. Why am I always pretending? I literally pretend all of the time. It's frightens me how untrue I am to myself and the fact that I actually don't even know what I mean by "myself."

I know the whole existential crisis is worn out and over-played, but that is where I am at. Passionless. Nothingness. Blank. Empty.