...A friend came into my life and made an impact

I'm not even going to berate myself for how long it's been since my last post. Life happens. Busy season happens. Relationships happen. Friendships happens. And sometimes time gets scarce.

This friend that I mentioned in my subject line asked me an important question the other day. "If you don't take walks and you didn't start running until recently, what did you do when you needed to think?" Which made me realize that I keep myself busy and surrounded by people so often that I essentially avoid that quiet, alone time where I can sit with my thoughts. Maybe I'm scared of those thoughts? I'm not sure. I mentioned that I sometimes write if I need to sort things out in my head. All I know is that I need to start intentionally carving out time to connect with God and myself, ideally daily, even if the thoughts and emotions inside my head make me apprehensive.

But I was a little bit unfaithful to my public blog. A good amount of words have been spilled into a private one during those moments where I felt overwhelmed with stress or emotions that made me feel like I was being tossed around in a clothes dryer. Not sure I'm ready to be THAT vulnerable with the world and I'm not sure it would be a good thing to share on such a public platform. (Although... if you do spend any amount of time with me, I'm sure you've heard me spill everything because I'm just Miss Share-My-Thoughts-ALL-The-Freaking-Time)

I digress... This friend of mine just recently shared some intensely sweet words that encouraged me and opened my eyes. These words made me realize that sometimes it's a good thing to share your life experiences with people and be an open book. Some people don't like that I'm as open as I am and it rubs them the wrong way, but if they knew more about my story, they would start to understand why I am the way that I am. Sometimes it offends people when you share personal things or discuss pain, struggles, or frustrations openly (and  trust me, I understand that there is a time and a place for these kinds of discussions), but I would rather live life being potentially too open rather than too closed off with pain that is bottled up and festering inside.

Ok, I tangented again... Oh cool... tangented isn't a word. Thanks for letting me know, Google Chrome. Well, sorry world! I'm going to continue using it.

This friend also reminded me that I should not let my worth or identity be found in other people, which is a piece of advice that I definitely needed to hear. They encouraged me to solidify my identity in God.

Lastly, this person encouraged me to never stop doing the things that make me happy and not give up on certain dreams for the sake of working. "You know all those things you have always wanted to do? You should go do them!" Which is a perfect segue into me finally blogging about that "crazy thought that has been ruminating in my head for a long time."

Not sure how well you know me, but I'm not your typical accountant and I do not have the personality or the attention span that fits the job. It is a constant, daily, struggle for me to do my job well. I think it's no secret that I am most likely not on the "partner track" and won't stay in public accounting for the rest of my career. With that said, a lot of people transition into an "industry job" when they leave public accounting, but to me that sounds absolutely horrible and depressing. If we have ever talked about the future/dreams, etc. you know that all I really want to do is utilize whatever skills I have to help others. (I know that sounds like some pageant queen, world peace BS). But seriously, I'm passionate about it and every time I hear about an opportunity to serve or go on a mission trip or get involved with an awesome nonprofit organization, I get so fired up! I went to Haiti a few years ago for a week long mission trip and I truly didn't want to leave.

Anyway, I'm not planning on quitting anytime in the very near future, but a girl came to speak at my church a while ago to tell us about the organization she works for called Videre. Here's there statement "Videre believes that grassroots economic and spiritual development happens through training indigenous people in poverty areas to build profitable businesses and to use their businesses to give back and show the love of Jesus Christ." My church is partnering with this organization to do 3 separate trips to Senegal. I really want to go on one of these trips and now that my schedule has changed at work, I will not have a conflict in September and might actually be able to go. But anyway, this girl's story was so impactful. She shared that she was not getting any satisfaction out of her job and wanted to serve and ended up taking a position at Videre. That kind of organization is exactly on the lines of what I would want to get involved with whenever I choose to leave public accounting.

Anyway, I'm thankful for the people God is bringing into my life and I'm excited about what the future holds. I'll let y'all know what happens with this Senegal mission trip.

♥ DoubleDeks

 

...Dallas decided to have perfect weather for one of my last weekends of freedom

Man.. I am so bad at updating this. I started writing this post like 4 days ago. I am going to pretend like it is Monday and this is still relevant.

First off, I have been blessed with two weeks of "freedom" this first half of January due to some angels in my firm that fought for me and my sanity in regards to my schedule. Most of my friends are already drowning in the stress-filled long hours. The beginning of a new year ushers most of us auditors into a 3-4 month period (or 5 month period if you're me) of public accounting slavery/indentured servitude.

View of downtown Dallas from the edge of Whiterock Lake

So to sum it up, I've been lucky enough to work 40 hour weeks for the past two weeks and I haven't been forced to work on the weekends. This meant that the perfect weather that we were graced with last weekend in Dallas was at my disposal and I did my best to take advantage. That weekend I let the sun beat down on my skin for one last time. I brunched. I enjoyed ice-blended coffees and tasty beers at Whiterock Lake. I got to have a girls night with 15 wonderful ladies where we ate dinner at Luck and enjoyed tasty beers at Rustic. I heard a wonderful sermon at The Village Church. I brunched again with a friend that I haven't seen in too long. I consumed unhealthy, delicious, food truck treats at Klyde Warren Park. And last, but definitely not least, I celebrated a friend's birthday at her apartment by drinking wine, eating a homemade meal, enjoying the company of friends while watching the Golden Globes. All-around it was a pretty fantastic weekend.

That's all for now, folks! In my next post I want to touch on a crazy thought that has been ruminating in my head for a long time, but was, in a way, affirmed on Tuesday night. Stay tuned!

♥ DoubleDeks

...I got blogger stage fright

Where do I even start? How do I begin peeling back the layers? How vulnerable should I be? Who is actually reading?

These are the kind of questions that are swimming in my head as I stare at this white text box with the typing cursor flashing in that familiar, steady beat.

After reading through some old posts, I realized how transforming the past 2 years have been. Sometimes it takes reliving some of my personal darkness to see and appreciate the light in the present.

I read the raw, honest, vulnerable, self-deprecating words of a girl who was consumed with the feeling of hopelessness and utter inadequacy in every way, shape and form. Those years of my life, where a positive thought rarely crossed my mind. The incessant voice inside of me told me every single day how I wasn't worth anything.

How thankful I am to have the beautiful friends, family and Savior that I do because without them, I might not be here today. Their support and encouragement pulled me out of the pit that I was stuck in. No one can get up, live each day to the fullest, and build healthy relationships when the broken record in their head is playing an unrelenting, abusive, negative inner monologue/stream of consciousness. I haven't completely defeated or overcome these personal demons, but I am lightyears away from where I was.

This past year has been filled with ups and downs. All I can say is that relationships can really expose the scary, raw, uncensored parts of yourself that you didn't realize were living in you below the surface. I've learned a lot about myself and my struggles by looking back and analyzing how I react and deal with challenges that arise in romantic relationships, friendships, at work, or even internally.

It can be really painful to look inside yourself and take a deep look at the not-so-pretty pieces of your character. I've shed a good amount of tears in doing so these past few months.

Something I'll reveal to you now is that I've backslid a little into the lack of confidence and low self-esteem. I have always struggled with a deep, consuming desire to be well-liked and wanted. Lately, the smallest inkling of the feeling of rejection has an intense effect on me. Things happened that broke my spirit a little and I didn't handle the pain in the best way. I should have run into the open arms of God, but it was easier for me to run towards things that could distract me from what I was feeling. I just need to remind myself to not lean on my own understanding and to put my trust in the Lord. His love is unconditional and unceasing and should be all that I need to satisfy that deeply human desire inside to be loved and accepted. Sometimes I just have to write it out to remind myself.

Now enough of that emotional stuff. I'm gonna go outside and play in this beautiful 62º Dallas weather. Gotta enjoy one of my last weekends of freedom!

♥ DoubleDeks

...I decided to take a Facebook sabbatical to recenter myself

Well Blog, maybe this time I mean it when I say that I'm back.

I've taken a step today in a different direction. I know it sounds silly to claim that I've made some monumental choice today that's going to change the course of how I live each day, but in a way, that's what saying goodbye to Facebook is for me.

It's become so ingrained in me to constantly check it, keep my pictures and statuses fairly updated and make sure that the world knows about all the fun, cool and exciting things that I'm doing or have accomplished. I find myself opening the app or typing in the homepage without even knowing that I'm doing so. It's become a bad habit and I'm not entirely sure what it's purpose is anymore... a life contest, maybe?

When I take a closer look, Facebook hasn't been a very good record of my journey, like my journals/blogs used to be. It's just a surface-y and sugar-coated montage of whatever. I yearn for more depth in my human expression. I also prefer it to be in a place that is a little less accessible. Someone has to intentionally seek out my blog to read what I have to say as opposed to me shoving my thoughts onto the front of everyone's newsfeed.

I've always enjoyed keeping a record of my experiences and the ups and downs that correspond with them, and that involves me exposing some vulnerable pieces of my myself. If you're reading, prepare for me to share more than what is acceptable to share on Facebook. Blogging is more for a gift to myself than to anyone who reads it. I probably won't offer up much advice, or many things that are useful. This is just a place where I can be real. I can lay my out worries, my sadness, my frustration, my excitement, my successes, and my struggles. It's a place for self-reflection and growth.

Who knows... you might read something I post and be relieved that someone else feels the same way you do or shares the same fears.

♥ DoubleDeks

...I decided to breathe life back into this ancient scroll of a blog

So we meet again. Blog, I hope you can forgive me. I have been absent and unfaithful. As usual.

Right now these dismal grey walls are starting to close in on me while I remain eternally hunched over my antiquated ThinkPad with towers of yellow audit folders stuffed to the brim with Post-It-covered, highlighted packets of paper piled around me like some sort of suffocating fortress. That's pretty sums up what it feels like to be in month #5 of "busy season." Can we talk about a serious misnomer? "Season".... HA. "Season" implies that it is lasts for a portion of the year. It is supposed to coincide with winter: cold, dark, sad, and like any other "season," after a few months it's supposed to melt away and allow the flowers to bloom and the sun to shine again. Forest animals will resurface and start to sing in harmony, unicorns will start to dance, and smiles are supposed to return to auditor's faces along with pigmentation of skin. The end of March or mid-April is what you are told to fixate your eyes upon and live for. That light at the end of the dark, black-hole-esque vortex of sadness and stress. But then you get to that point where the end seems so close and the light is growing ever brighter and at that last second, to your horror, you find out that the light that you have been pining after and crawling inch by inch towards is nothing more than a train careening down the tracks whose goal is to swiftly knock any semblance of vitality and liveliness out of you and leave you in an obliterated pulp. Now you are a shell of a human who can't begin to remember what life was like before this living hell began. They keep saying to keep your chin up because the end is near, but I'm starting to think that "the end" is actually the end of life itself. Or like.. the end of ever being in shape again or having friends or seeing daylight. Reality is setting in because I'm realizing the honest to God truth of it all is.. it really doesn't ever end.

A little dramatic? Maybe. But it really does suck more than I ever thought it would. Time to stop waiting for life to start again and start adapting because this IS life now. This is what I signed up for.

Counting down the days till that week of vacation in June. Which reminds me... I really need to book a flight home.

On that note, I bid you g'day, Blog. Just know that I'm back and ready to start sharing my life with you again, even if it's shared in a not-so-cheerful tone.

♥ DoubleDeks

...I was frustrated by pettiness

Okay, I'm trying my best to stay focused on studying right now, but people and their situations keep coming at me swarming in a cloud of drama and I'm just so DONE trying to help people (who don't want to be helped in the first place). People let their pride, bitterness, and hurt feelings obstruct them from moving forward. It's so frustrating to witness. I can't really speak directly about these situations on here, but I just want to say as a general statement... It's not about who is right or wrong. It's about acknowledging other people's feelings, and resolving issues with people even if they aren't your friends for merely the sake of humanity, or even others around you. Prolonged conflict and hostility between two people never produces anything valuable. However on the contrary, coming together, finding common ground and acknowledging hurt feelings can do SO much. You can reestablish/form a new connection with someone who could ultimately contribute to making your life more fulfilling. Maybe they can introduce you to something new; maybe you can share good conversation; maybe they can make you laugh; maybe you can have one of the most fun nights of your life with them. Who knows what could come from a connection with another human being? What's the good in staying upset? To prove a point? What point exactly are you trying to prove? Take time to get to know other people, where they come from, where their pain stems from. It helps you love so much easier.

*steps off soapbox*

...I was really bad at keeping this updated

I want to start blogging again on a more regular basis. I know I always say that and I'm not sure why I make it seem like such a daunting task. I enjoy it. Not because I have an audience that looks forward to reading my posts, but because it gives me a record to look back on. It helps me understand and observe the different stages that I have gone through in my life. It gives me confidence by allowing me to see the progress that I've made and the obstacles I've overcome, all of which could not have happened without the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I used to use this blog as a my outlet where I poured out my raw and honest thoughts. It's what works for me. I need to acknowledge that about myself and stay true it.

Currently I am feeling many things. I feel nervous and anxious about the months to come. I downloaded my Becker (CPA prep course) software today and attempted to formulate a clear self-study plan and became slightly overwhelmed. There are so many factors to consider. I want to get these 4 parts of the exam out of the way as soon as possible AND pass on my first try, but I worry that my anxious attitude towards finishing will create a heavy and unnecessary time crunch that will ultimately completely rush me and stress me out. If you have ever seen me really stressed, you know that it is not a pretty sight. Also, my test taking abilities plummet when I start to panic.

I know that what works best for me is to a.) allocate a sufficient amount of study time b.) stay on schedule in order to combat my tendency to procrastinate c.) study with other people so that I can ask them questions, work through problems together, talk things out, and have people to keep me on task (as everything is done on the computer where the Facebook monster lives). What is concerning me most right now is that the person I was hoping to study with got her materials before me and has already done a significant amount of work. She is also planning on taking the tests in a different order than I wanted to. I decided to not do the in-class review course because I was going to have people to self-study with, but now I'm worried that I made the wrong decision. I know that worrying does nothing for productivity so today I'm going to try going through one of the first lectures. This is going to be quite the journey in front of me, but hopefully at the end of summer I will have the letters C-P-A at the end of my name and a nice bonus check to show for it.

Time to clean my room and get some things done!