Where do I even start? How do I begin peeling back the layers? How vulnerable should I be? Who is actually reading?
These are the kind of questions that are swimming in my head as I stare at this white text box with the typing cursor flashing in that familiar, steady beat.
After reading through some old posts, I realized how transforming the past 2 years have been. Sometimes it takes reliving some of my personal darkness to see and appreciate the light in the present.
I read the raw, honest, vulnerable, self-deprecating words of a girl who was consumed with the feeling of hopelessness and utter inadequacy in every way, shape and form. Those years of my life, where a positive thought rarely crossed my mind. The incessant voice inside of me told me every single day how I wasn't worth anything.
How thankful I am to have the beautiful friends, family and Savior that I do because without them, I might not be here today. Their support and encouragement pulled me out of the pit that I was stuck in. No one can get up, live each day to the fullest, and build healthy relationships when the broken record in their head is playing an unrelenting, abusive, negative inner monologue/stream of consciousness. I haven't completely defeated or overcome these personal demons, but I am lightyears away from where I was.
This past year has been filled with ups and downs. All I can say is that relationships can really expose the scary, raw, uncensored parts of yourself that you didn't realize were living in you below the surface. I've learned a lot about myself and my struggles by looking back and analyzing how I react and deal with challenges that arise in romantic relationships, friendships, at work, or even internally.
It can be really painful to look inside yourself and take a deep look at the not-so-pretty pieces of your character. I've shed a good amount of tears in doing so these past few months.
Something I'll reveal to you now is that I've backslid a little into the lack of confidence and low self-esteem. I have always struggled with a deep, consuming desire to be well-liked and wanted. Lately, the smallest inkling of the feeling of rejection has an intense effect on me. Things happened that broke my spirit a little and I didn't handle the pain in the best way. I should have run into the open arms of God, but it was easier for me to run towards things that could distract me from what I was feeling. I just need to remind myself to not lean on my own understanding and to put my trust in the Lord. His love is unconditional and unceasing and should be all that I need to satisfy that deeply human desire inside to be loved and accepted. Sometimes I just have to write it out to remind myself.
Now enough of that emotional stuff. I'm gonna go outside and play in this beautiful 62ยบ Dallas weather. Gotta enjoy one of my last weekends of freedom!
♥ DoubleDeks
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