Sometimes it takes an outsider's perspective and opinion to help you realize where you are at in life and how exactly you got there. When someone sparks your thoughts and you being to analyze the things that you have for so long ignored, you begin to find clarity. I have been living in a very confused and lost state for too long now. I did not know how I arrived there or why I was staying there, but now I know. This new year will be a year of change. I will be growing in a different way, potentially backwards. I want to go back to the heart of who I am. I want to return to being that confident, strong woman that I used to be. I want to believe in myself and trust that God made me just the way that he wanted to and that I have a purpose on this earth. These negative thoughts that have become my mantra must begin to dissolve because I can not longer live with them overcoming me daily. How will anyone believe in me or trust me or want to be around me if I don't believe in myself or hate who I am? I am excited to begin changing. There are certain steps I must take to reach my goals. There are also things that I must admit to and recognize that are occurring so that I can lift those things up to the Lord and let him take over because I am not able to make these changes on my own.
My ultimate demise was me trying SO hard to try to be something that I'm not. I wanted so badly to be wanted and feel like I was cool and worthy of hanging out with. I became so unauthentic and then became hardened and angry at those around me because I knew that I had dug myself into a hole, a dark hole that I did not want to be inside. That obsession overtook me and I wanted so badly to blame my surroundings for destroying my self-esteem, but in reality, I have no one to blame but myself for believing and internalizing all of those lies.
My New Year's Resolution: Become healthy again. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
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