...Dallas decided to have perfect weather for one of my last weekends of freedom

Man.. I am so bad at updating this. I started writing this post like 4 days ago. I am going to pretend like it is Monday and this is still relevant.

First off, I have been blessed with two weeks of "freedom" this first half of January due to some angels in my firm that fought for me and my sanity in regards to my schedule. Most of my friends are already drowning in the stress-filled long hours. The beginning of a new year ushers most of us auditors into a 3-4 month period (or 5 month period if you're me) of public accounting slavery/indentured servitude.

View of downtown Dallas from the edge of Whiterock Lake

So to sum it up, I've been lucky enough to work 40 hour weeks for the past two weeks and I haven't been forced to work on the weekends. This meant that the perfect weather that we were graced with last weekend in Dallas was at my disposal and I did my best to take advantage. That weekend I let the sun beat down on my skin for one last time. I brunched. I enjoyed ice-blended coffees and tasty beers at Whiterock Lake. I got to have a girls night with 15 wonderful ladies where we ate dinner at Luck and enjoyed tasty beers at Rustic. I heard a wonderful sermon at The Village Church. I brunched again with a friend that I haven't seen in too long. I consumed unhealthy, delicious, food truck treats at Klyde Warren Park. And last, but definitely not least, I celebrated a friend's birthday at her apartment by drinking wine, eating a homemade meal, enjoying the company of friends while watching the Golden Globes. All-around it was a pretty fantastic weekend.

That's all for now, folks! In my next post I want to touch on a crazy thought that has been ruminating in my head for a long time, but was, in a way, affirmed on Tuesday night. Stay tuned!

♥ DoubleDeks

...I got blogger stage fright

Where do I even start? How do I begin peeling back the layers? How vulnerable should I be? Who is actually reading?

These are the kind of questions that are swimming in my head as I stare at this white text box with the typing cursor flashing in that familiar, steady beat.

After reading through some old posts, I realized how transforming the past 2 years have been. Sometimes it takes reliving some of my personal darkness to see and appreciate the light in the present.

I read the raw, honest, vulnerable, self-deprecating words of a girl who was consumed with the feeling of hopelessness and utter inadequacy in every way, shape and form. Those years of my life, where a positive thought rarely crossed my mind. The incessant voice inside of me told me every single day how I wasn't worth anything.

How thankful I am to have the beautiful friends, family and Savior that I do because without them, I might not be here today. Their support and encouragement pulled me out of the pit that I was stuck in. No one can get up, live each day to the fullest, and build healthy relationships when the broken record in their head is playing an unrelenting, abusive, negative inner monologue/stream of consciousness. I haven't completely defeated or overcome these personal demons, but I am lightyears away from where I was.

This past year has been filled with ups and downs. All I can say is that relationships can really expose the scary, raw, uncensored parts of yourself that you didn't realize were living in you below the surface. I've learned a lot about myself and my struggles by looking back and analyzing how I react and deal with challenges that arise in romantic relationships, friendships, at work, or even internally.

It can be really painful to look inside yourself and take a deep look at the not-so-pretty pieces of your character. I've shed a good amount of tears in doing so these past few months.

Something I'll reveal to you now is that I've backslid a little into the lack of confidence and low self-esteem. I have always struggled with a deep, consuming desire to be well-liked and wanted. Lately, the smallest inkling of the feeling of rejection has an intense effect on me. Things happened that broke my spirit a little and I didn't handle the pain in the best way. I should have run into the open arms of God, but it was easier for me to run towards things that could distract me from what I was feeling. I just need to remind myself to not lean on my own understanding and to put my trust in the Lord. His love is unconditional and unceasing and should be all that I need to satisfy that deeply human desire inside to be loved and accepted. Sometimes I just have to write it out to remind myself.

Now enough of that emotional stuff. I'm gonna go outside and play in this beautiful 62º Dallas weather. Gotta enjoy one of my last weekends of freedom!

♥ DoubleDeks

...I decided to take a Facebook sabbatical to recenter myself

Well Blog, maybe this time I mean it when I say that I'm back.

I've taken a step today in a different direction. I know it sounds silly to claim that I've made some monumental choice today that's going to change the course of how I live each day, but in a way, that's what saying goodbye to Facebook is for me.

It's become so ingrained in me to constantly check it, keep my pictures and statuses fairly updated and make sure that the world knows about all the fun, cool and exciting things that I'm doing or have accomplished. I find myself opening the app or typing in the homepage without even knowing that I'm doing so. It's become a bad habit and I'm not entirely sure what it's purpose is anymore... a life contest, maybe?

When I take a closer look, Facebook hasn't been a very good record of my journey, like my journals/blogs used to be. It's just a surface-y and sugar-coated montage of whatever. I yearn for more depth in my human expression. I also prefer it to be in a place that is a little less accessible. Someone has to intentionally seek out my blog to read what I have to say as opposed to me shoving my thoughts onto the front of everyone's newsfeed.

I've always enjoyed keeping a record of my experiences and the ups and downs that correspond with them, and that involves me exposing some vulnerable pieces of my myself. If you're reading, prepare for me to share more than what is acceptable to share on Facebook. Blogging is more for a gift to myself than to anyone who reads it. I probably won't offer up much advice, or many things that are useful. This is just a place where I can be real. I can lay my out worries, my sadness, my frustration, my excitement, my successes, and my struggles. It's a place for self-reflection and growth.

Who knows... you might read something I post and be relieved that someone else feels the same way you do or shares the same fears.

♥ DoubleDeks