Apathy.
I feel my life currently revolves around that word. Like I have been robbed of all true emotion. Oh yes, I have become very good at feigning sentiments. Almost so much so that I have been fooling myself for, who knows how long, into thinking that I am happy or upset or passionate or excited. But really... when I turn off the music in the car and sit, I feel nothing. Just a steady hum of oblivion.
There is no passion without love. I think I want love in every sense of the word. Not the love that I can't return. Not the superficial kind. Not the kind that hurts you or makes you want to change. True, pure, inspiring, invigorating love. And this doesn't necessarily mean the romantic kind. I want the love that is found in vitality, in friendship, in God, in family, in dreams and goals and, yes, in a relationship too. I want to feel something, even if it's pain or sadness or fury. I need to feel something because right now I feel dead.
I feel like I have completely lost myself and I'm almost at the point of no return. How can I find my way back? I lost the map, my phone died, I have no compass, the trail has disappeared, and the forest has thickened. Why am I always pretending? I literally pretend all of the time. It's frightens me how untrue I am to myself and the fact that I actually don't even know what I mean by "myself."
I know the whole existential crisis is worn out and over-played, but that is where I am at. Passionless. Nothingness. Blank. Empty.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
...I naively got very insulted by the fact that someone unfollowed me on Twitter
I mean, I won't belabor the subject but, if you knew the whole story you would understand why it feels like a tiny slap in the face. And this is me moving on and getting over it. Just had to vent that frustration somewhere. Now that I read over it, it sounds ridiculous that I would be insulted by something as petty and trivial as Twitter, but oh well.
Anyway back to finishing up the summary of my life. I was discussing my summer school escapades. What I loved was being able to come home and have nothing to do but study and I would take my books with me to the pool and tan and read for a couple hours and it was so relaxing. Life only started to get stressful when my photography class started to kick my ass. It got extremely demanding out of nowhere and didn't let up until the last day of class. And you'll love the grade results of my one month of school: Tax - A, ITOM 2 - A, Photography - .........B+. Yep... In the two supposedly extremely challenging business classes I received A's but in the intro to photography class I couldn't manage to even achieve an A-. I nearly died. It's not like I slacked one bit in that class either. I actually tried very hard and put a ton of hours into my work. Nothing I can do now though. Thankfully those A's boosted my GPA, especially my Accounting GPA (thank God). Ok but honestly who cares about all of that. Let's discuss the many adventures that I went on and experienced during that month of madness.
These are probably going to be out of order
• EDC Dallas - literally SO much fun. I danced the night away with friends I came with and friends I met there. This time I was completely conscious which made the experience exponentially more fun. Benny Benassi, Kaskade, Moby and Rusko were all amazing
• Photo adventures with Sarah and some with Mookie. Sarah and I once decided to drive down Harry Hines trying to find various hidden gems to capture and on this adventure we drove all the way to Irvine, got kicked off a property, went and tried to find a bathroom in a ridiculous shopping mall, ended up in an area that had an ungodly amount of Perfume shops (yeah, wtf?), and got so lost that we had to use a paper map and the sun to guide us home.
• Cynthia had a very busy month playing in Uptown
• Karaoke!!
• danced in the rain and sang at the top of my lungs on the roof with my favorite roomie ever, had random interpretive and expressive dance parties in our apartment, lived in a dark sauna of an apartment in order to save money, ate mainly carrots and ramen for a month, watched Glee and House, had a scary movie night, had a midnight pool party and then trashed the apartment, sat around with the pillows off the couch because it was more comfortable that way
• And then finally made the final trek back to California with Trey. Boy was that a marathon of a drive or what. We stopped and stayed in Kingman, Arizona at a supper classy Super 8 motel. Oh and we ate extremely delicious Thai food in Albuquerque, NM. Hmm we also drank lots of Red Bull, Rockstar and other crack-like drinks. It was quite an adventure.
Since I've been back: (why are lists so much easier to manage than a normal paragraph? I guess it's because the points don't have to flow easily and no transition is required. I call this lazy blogging)
I'll save this for my next post. Personally, I hate when people post novels, so I will not bore you down with too much in one post.
Time for shopping!!
Anyway back to finishing up the summary of my life. I was discussing my summer school escapades. What I loved was being able to come home and have nothing to do but study and I would take my books with me to the pool and tan and read for a couple hours and it was so relaxing. Life only started to get stressful when my photography class started to kick my ass. It got extremely demanding out of nowhere and didn't let up until the last day of class. And you'll love the grade results of my one month of school: Tax - A, ITOM 2 - A, Photography - .........B+. Yep... In the two supposedly extremely challenging business classes I received A's but in the intro to photography class I couldn't manage to even achieve an A-. I nearly died. It's not like I slacked one bit in that class either. I actually tried very hard and put a ton of hours into my work. Nothing I can do now though. Thankfully those A's boosted my GPA, especially my Accounting GPA (thank God). Ok but honestly who cares about all of that. Let's discuss the many adventures that I went on and experienced during that month of madness.
These are probably going to be out of order
• EDC Dallas - literally SO much fun. I danced the night away with friends I came with and friends I met there. This time I was completely conscious which made the experience exponentially more fun. Benny Benassi, Kaskade, Moby and Rusko were all amazing
• Photo adventures with Sarah and some with Mookie. Sarah and I once decided to drive down Harry Hines trying to find various hidden gems to capture and on this adventure we drove all the way to Irvine, got kicked off a property, went and tried to find a bathroom in a ridiculous shopping mall, ended up in an area that had an ungodly amount of Perfume shops (yeah, wtf?), and got so lost that we had to use a paper map and the sun to guide us home.
• Cynthia had a very busy month playing in Uptown
• Karaoke!!
• danced in the rain and sang at the top of my lungs on the roof with my favorite roomie ever, had random interpretive and expressive dance parties in our apartment, lived in a dark sauna of an apartment in order to save money, ate mainly carrots and ramen for a month, watched Glee and House, had a scary movie night, had a midnight pool party and then trashed the apartment, sat around with the pillows off the couch because it was more comfortable that way
• And then finally made the final trek back to California with Trey. Boy was that a marathon of a drive or what. We stopped and stayed in Kingman, Arizona at a supper classy Super 8 motel. Oh and we ate extremely delicious Thai food in Albuquerque, NM. Hmm we also drank lots of Red Bull, Rockstar and other crack-like drinks. It was quite an adventure.
Since I've been back: (why are lists so much easier to manage than a normal paragraph? I guess it's because the points don't have to flow easily and no transition is required. I call this lazy blogging)
I'll save this for my next post. Personally, I hate when people post novels, so I will not bore you down with too much in one post.
Time for shopping!!
Monday, July 12, 2010
...I told a friend that I was going to blog about our fantastic adventure and then followed through days later
Alright my dearest blog,
I really need you to stop being so intimidating. I fear/avoid writing in you because life is too immense and I am extremely inconsistent and out of routine blogging. So then I am faced with a blank textbox that is supposed to capture the new adventures I have, the new people I meet, the new struggles I face. It's a lot of pressure!!
So anyway... First, let's do a quick recap of the past couple of months:
I had a crazy hard semester where I was so busy I barely found time to breathe, school got really overwhelming and I did not do well at all (I even started to believe that I was slowly getting stupider rather than smarter). It's like I would spend hours studying and trying to understand concepts and then I would go into an exam believing that I grasped the concepts and then I would get a terrible grade. It was extremely disheartening. But I got through it. I got an internship for Spring 2011 with a fantastic accounting firm, Ernst & Young, and I feel soo blessed to have this opportunity. After school got out I had 10 days of freedom to come home and relax after I did all my accounting office visits. I was able to celebrate my mama's birthday with her (we spent the weekend in Manhattan/Hermosa beach). So after the freedom ended I returned to Dallas to my cute little apartment at The Phoenix Midtown with my super fun, quirky, adventurous, hilarious and best summer roommate everrr, Miss Sarah Kane. During the month of June I took three classes during Summer Session I (Federal Income Tax, Operations Management aka ITOM 2, and Photography). It was quite possibly one of the most insane ideas I've ever come up with... I cannot believe I completed 9 hours in one month.. But to be honest, I really enjoyed the layout of summer school. Everything is concise and to the point and there are no other outside commitments like Program Council or Alpha Chi.
Honestly, I keep walking away from this post. It's too much to do in one sitting. Alright here's the deal... I'll post this and then come back and write another post soon. Like maybe later tonight :)
I really need you to stop being so intimidating. I fear/avoid writing in you because life is too immense and I am extremely inconsistent and out of routine blogging. So then I am faced with a blank textbox that is supposed to capture the new adventures I have, the new people I meet, the new struggles I face. It's a lot of pressure!!
So anyway... First, let's do a quick recap of the past couple of months:
I had a crazy hard semester where I was so busy I barely found time to breathe, school got really overwhelming and I did not do well at all (I even started to believe that I was slowly getting stupider rather than smarter). It's like I would spend hours studying and trying to understand concepts and then I would go into an exam believing that I grasped the concepts and then I would get a terrible grade. It was extremely disheartening. But I got through it. I got an internship for Spring 2011 with a fantastic accounting firm, Ernst & Young, and I feel soo blessed to have this opportunity. After school got out I had 10 days of freedom to come home and relax after I did all my accounting office visits. I was able to celebrate my mama's birthday with her (we spent the weekend in Manhattan/Hermosa beach). So after the freedom ended I returned to Dallas to my cute little apartment at The Phoenix Midtown with my super fun, quirky, adventurous, hilarious and best summer roommate everrr, Miss Sarah Kane. During the month of June I took three classes during Summer Session I (Federal Income Tax, Operations Management aka ITOM 2, and Photography). It was quite possibly one of the most insane ideas I've ever come up with... I cannot believe I completed 9 hours in one month.. But to be honest, I really enjoyed the layout of summer school. Everything is concise and to the point and there are no other outside commitments like Program Council or Alpha Chi.
Honestly, I keep walking away from this post. It's too much to do in one sitting. Alright here's the deal... I'll post this and then come back and write another post soon. Like maybe later tonight :)
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